I find myself wondering if the scars i bare will ever fade. If the life and lightness i hvae lost will ever return.
I can look at my body and see the scars of my past...an appendix operation here, a fall there, a plastic tooth where i fell face first. I can show these scars...laugh about their origin...but who can i show the scar on my heart. This scar that TTC has left, this scar that is my lost baby, this scar that is my heart slowly breaking each month this goes on.
I feel battered, bruised and bleeding...but to the naked eye its invisible. I am just another person...nothing to see here.
Some days i feel there is a sign above my head flashing "She has failed".
Infertility has become part of who I am. Its haunts my every day, how i eat, how I sleep, my dreams...how i think, the activities i do, the plans i make...the plans i can't make.
So I wonder; am i forever broken? Will I heal from this? Will my baby ever erase the scars or are they embedded so deep in my psychi that they will change who I am forever.
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I think IF is permanently part of our lives. In a way I think its a good things. I want to be able to help others and never forget the pain and suffering I have gone through. I am about to turn in my application for adoption as well as cycle for the last time in June (if my colitis stays under control). I wish you the best in your journey. You are not broken. In fact, you are so strong!!!
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