Why we chose not to do IVF...for now

This is a tricky and emotional one...and i guess background is required...

When we started down this path of TTC, we thought there would be no issue...afterall, i had fallen pregnant with Elliott 2 weeks after coming off the pill...so I thought that meant it would be easy again....10 months later the shine had sort of started to fade on the whole ttc thing...especially when most others had fallen preg around me with no issue...hard to explain how that feels.

In my gut (and from extensive googling) i thought the problem was me due to being diagnosed with an auto immune disorder...but the GP was just not listening! So, i started Accupuncture to see if that helped.

So a few months later with still no joy, we got a sperm test, seeing how Mark is not E's bio dad...we thought this would be a good place to start...what came back was pretty good but slight low morphology so we got a specialist referral. I still felt it was me.

The specialist said..."It's you, slightly low morphology is not an issue"...and he recommended IUI. So we went home and thought about that for a while...we talked at length and said...yes to IUI...no way to IVF (lol)...so then IUI began.

This is a bit of a grueling process...and for me meant a lot of needles as my Rhuem put me on Heparin ( a blood thinner to try and counter act my immune disorder) which meant 2 needles a day...plus the needles of hormone injections...plus tablets...and of course the very charming cathetar to get the sperm in to the top of the uterus...thats good fun!

It really takes the romance out of making a baby...between the needle bruises, the mad rushing hormones and the use of a sample pot to deliver the boys to the doc..it really can be a little dehumanising...

so moving swiftly on...3 months went by...3 attempts and 3 fails....i can not explain the ups, downs and pain this caused. My final round was Dec 2008...i got my negative result just before xmas..

we then got pregnant...in January..no IUI but i did use my left over drugs (hehe)...i miscarried a few days after the pregnancy was confirmed....

Then we went back to see the fertility doc (who i didn't like but that is a whole other story) who said no point in IUI anymore..IVF or no new baby. We decided to get a 2nd opinion, who also agreed...IVF was the only way.

So, after declaring openly that IVF was not an option..we were at a doorway...and we had to admit...we had changed our minds...well I had...and convinced Mark...a woman and her new baby  will not be parted lol. And i am soo lucky to have a hubby who does back me 100%

We decided to do it, we did the counselling, we did the nurse appointments, we got used to the new specialist...i had it all lined up with my Rhuem...but i was making myself sick and a nervous wreck. I was eating out of control, i was almost parralysed.

So, in looking for stress releif (so i could do IVF) i booked in to have some Hypnotherapy done...something new but it felt right. After talking to her and being hypnotised, i felt so much better. We talked about a great Naturopath that she knew...and i decided to call and see what would happen.

AS soon as i started thinking about not doing IVf and doing it via the naturopath...the sick feelings, sleepless nights and panic attacks went away...i decided there was a definate message form the universe there!

Usually there is a 4-6 week wait to see him....i called and got in the next day (fated to be perhaps).  On seeing him i felt instantly it was right (even though he was having a very bad day lol) and after thinking overnight...and talking to Mark...we both decided to do his program. And, if you have read the program...its full on a big undertaking!

We have removed our time limits (i was obsessed with being pregnant before i was 35) and if this does not work by end 2009 then we will go back and do IVF...if we are not pregnant by end of 2010...we will prob leave it alone (and i say prob because i really do not know how i can stop wanting this baby).

There are lots of things that hurt when you are long term ttc....when other fall so easily and say some really stupid hurtful things. I have had people ignore my feelings, say things like "well it could be worse", stand up for the people who have offended me, say "at least you have not had a miscarriage (pre miscarriage)", i've had people get offended because i was upset over my situation, people not understand that i can't gush over others pregnancies and babies, I had a close friend refer to my miscarriage as my period starting. Undoubtedly the most hurtful thing that i have ever face was someone saying to me "do you really think we would even car if you got pregnant seeing how little attention you have paid to our pregnancies"...it took me a while to recover from that one...but i think it really sums up how little compassion some people have on such an emotional issue...and this is not just me, it is for all my girls who i have got to know throughout this journey. I have found that i have grown as a person through this...i wish so much for the blissful ignorance that i used to have...but i am glad because i have made some amazing friends and learnt a deeper level of compassion for my ttc sisters. However, i now feel i have learnt what i can from this...and am really truly ready to have my baby bump, to feel those wiggles inside and hold that baby in my arms.

It has not been a light decision...it is not going to be an easy 12 weeks (and omg mark needs 16 weeks...but we don't have to wait to ttc for him to finish) but i am 3 weeks in...and have no regrets.