Do you ever

look back and wonder what would have happened had you seen that warning sign that the universe offered and you ignored?

Do you ever wonder what in your life made you wander down an unwise path?

Some say past wounds, some say repeated patterns and soem say destiny.

I, on the other hand, simply don't know.

I know that looking back there was a very clear moment early in my relationship with my ex husband where i nearly walked away. A night where he showed me his true colours, his controlling bullying nature. And early enough that i should have simply walked away.

An innocent conversation with a fellow melbournian far away from home...simple right? In a pub, in plain sight. NOthing untoward or nasty...but to my ex...that was clearly unacceptable. That i would talk to another man, one he did not know...that was not on. And on that night, even after a warning from a friend, I continued talking....because to me, the idea of that kind of jealousy was just unheard of. However, moments later, as he dragged me off to the back of the pub to scream and yell at me, I was to learn fear for the first time.

I did walk away from him that night, out into the street in Reading. Amazed that such a seemingly intelligent and nice guy could be such a tool. I told him then and there...I would not be spoken to that way. But, when the flowers and apologies began...I believed it...he just really liked me...was overcome by love...sounds good right?

And the message was repeated over and over...starting gentle the next time and escalating each time in its delivery. The message was "DO as I say, behave as I say...for you are nothing without me". And me, being me, I took this. Everyone has flaws..this was his. I did not want any more public fights so i behaved.

This moment, its what came up in Hypnotherapy today. This moment, the moment i first learnt fear. This moment is what lead me down the path to that battered shadow of myself that married him (only to be screamed at on day 5 of that marriage that I had better learn to behave like a wife and damn fast), got pregnant at his wish (only to be abused for not doing that well enough) and then got left/cheated on/abused/assisinated....in that moment...i sealed my fate.

I have often thought back and said "I must not regret anything, for without that path I would not have my beloved Elliott". But I do regret selling myself so short. I regret swallowing all those insults and all that poor treatment. I do regret accepting his poison into my life. I do regret momentarily putting down my pride and allowing myself to be kicked.

I'm back now though, with the lesson that time has taught me. I am back now, and I have the greatest gift, the lil boy who i lived for when all else inside me wanted to die. I will always look at Elliott and know he is the reason i survived and although, I regret with all my soul being a victim to his father...but I will never regret my son as he is my reason to breathe.

SO now, this fear that was trapped inside me is gone. I will never go back, I will never again put down my strength or accept poor treatment out of fear. I will always survive no matter what. I know now, that I am not scared of being pregnant again, because I know that I am not going back, I am going forward. If, in this insane universe, I have married another closet abuser, that i can simply walk away. I will not suffer in silence and hope that things get better around me...I will scream out for help and then I will help myself.

My Dh now, is not like my ex, and I thank my blessings for him every day. But more then that...I thank myself, for living, for breathing, for being hopeful and joyous. I thank myself for going places I was scared of, and seeing that they are not that scary after all...I thank myself for being me....happy, energetic, ballsy and sometimes, just a lil insane.

I am woman, in every sense...daughter, lover, wife, sister, mother and friend. And, just quietly, I like myself quite alot...and the next time someone tries to make me change...I'm going to tell them ever so nicely...no thanks, been there, done that....its just not for me!