Naturopath check up today...and

i am improving!!!!

My uterus is all healed (prob explains the crazy period i just had) and ready to go.

My pancreas is all healed.

My bacteria levels have dropped dramatically so my tummy is geting better. Only half of it though lol

My iron levels are back up to 100%.

There are still some down sides....

my left ovary is still shit...to combat this he has changed my fertility tonic. WE can get by without it....but he thinks this last change will sort it out.

My poor tummy is struggling because my body is still not absorbing silica very well. Which sucks cause i have been feeling so sick with that tonic. He has changed me to something called Molkosan and given me a tablet for the silica.

He is very happy with my progress...said he can see i am being excellent with my diet...so that was a big boost!

So, he has said he still thinks there is an emotional block and I think i may have figured out what it might be.

When i got pregnant with Elliott, my ex husband got very abusive and angry. He was not supportive and ended up having an affair (and getting more and more abusive towards me) from about 2 months on. He abandoned me physically, refused any sort of intimacy because in his words he found my pregnant body disgusting.

He literally had a spilt personality...in public he was this 'perfect husband' and behind closed doors he was horrific. I found myself acting along...repeatedly telling myself that he was just having trouble adjusting and that it would all get better soon....I spent most of my pregnancy feeling like i was loosing my mind. His mood would change so quickly, i was always scared. If he was screaming and yelling i was scared...when he was super nice and apologetic i was even more scared...because by then I had learnt that the nicer her was...the worse the next outburst would be. I feel a lot of guilt for playing along, not saying something sooner. I feel like I lack credibility, like my story won't be believed because i did not speak up.

Now, as much as I have dealt with that on a conscious level...it does still haunt me. And as i have spoken with Michael and Jaclyn, this has been a niggling thought in the back of my mind. So i think sub consciously i think i am scared of it happening again. As much as I love and trust my hubby now, i felt the same way about my ex and really had no idea he was capable of such cruelty. 20/20 hindsight has shown me all those warning signs that were there the whole time...but I know all about people repeating their patterns...and well...its damn scary.

Mark and I have a very physical relationship. We have discussed that this may change with pregnancy. Although, after living sexless through my first pregnancy (under protest) I will not be willing to do it again. I know that Mark is very excited about being pregnant, and making love to celebrate and care for me during the pregnancy. I know I have asked him many questions that i never thought to ask my ex, I know we have a better relationship on every level, i know that we have better communication and better intimacy.

So, when i see Jaclyn on Tuesday...I'll be venturing somewhere i am scared of going...but i will walk this path...I will walk through this place of pain and walk out the other side a better person.