A break from the madness

has been called.

I have not given up all hope, but for now i just can not continue with the tonics and am bowing ungracefully out of the baby race.

It's hard to explain, I am still not going to go eat all crazy things or stop drinking my water. I'm still doing all the "healthy living stuff" but for now..I just have to give up on "trying".

But I have a new goal, I want to be pain free. I want to feel healthy again. I have had lower back pain for years...so constant thT i do not even really notice it..but I carry my body to compensate for it. I saw my Chrio on Friday and then again Saturday because him working on my lower back...irritated it to the point I am still hurting today. I will go back again tomorrow.

I do have in the back of my mind that maybe this lower back thing is why I am not pregnant (the naturopath has been bringing it up since day 1, but i thought as i was not in agony then it didn't matter). And well, maybe it will help. But, I think I have given up on it happening naturally and will just work towards good health so when i feel brave enough for IVF I will be fit and healthy...so they can mess me up again.

Mark is upset with me, but we have talked all that through. I am not giving up altogether, I just can not continue right now. I know why he is so sad, i feel it too. He has tried so hard and done so well sticking to his diet and taking all his tonics. He has tried so hard to support me (and done an amazing job especially this last month where i just totally fell apart) and been my rock when i needed him more then ever before. I do worry about loosing him, which on many levels I know I won't, but I also see how much he truely wants a child. He is a great dad to Elliott, in fact, right now they are painting together and having a ball, but he feels that pull for his own biological child. I totally understand and respect that desire and some how, when i am not so absorbed in my own devastation I have to find a way to help him grieve that child that may never be.

IVF is off until after we get back from the UK, I will still have my prelim appointments in the next few weeks...sort of finalise all that. I also need to have a scan to find out why my poor body has been bleeding so much. Maybe a new set of eyes will find something new. Maybe not, maybe i am just broken beyond repair. However, August is off the cards for me and it may take longer then October for me to come to grips with it.

I feel like I should change the focus of this blog for a while...I will just have to see how it goes and whether I can continue it while trying to let go of my dreams of a baby in the short term. I'll have to dribble on about my travel plans and gorgeous family for a while...i guess my smile won't change...and for a long time there will still be some clenching of teeth to get me through those days that I have to smile and laugh..or the tears will show and I don't know if they will ever go away.

Ciao for now, I will be back...