Am i being heard or being part of the herd?

Learning how to speak my truth is something I have been working on for ages. Learning how to speak my truth so that others hear me is something I think I will have to work on forever.

There is a big difference these days between speaking up and being heard. I often speak up, but now seriously wonder how many times my message gets through.

People are so "set on being right" that often then just don't listen to what those around them say. If anyone objects (even politely) they are quick to jump on them and defend their statements rather then listen. Someone disagreeing does not mean they don't like you, it does not mean they think you are stupid. Listening to others is a rare skill and such a valuable one.

I have been guilty of talking first and listening later before. I think it's human. For me, i want to learn to listen more...and really hear what people are saying. This journey through ttc has really opened my eyes to how little people listen. And in fact, i have turned this objection i have to others onto myself and realised that although i do listen to others...there are times I could do much better then I do.

Sometimes, no matter how well or how clearly we communicate..it really relies on our audience to what happens next. Learning not to care would be a great thing as well...but I do care.

This was highlighted to me by my chiropractor. Someone who I am starting to view also as a friend. In past sessions he has spoken of this "one off case" of someone stopping IVF and then suddenly getting pregnant...he has told me the same story several times. He is also one of the people who say "i just want you to relax" he says this of course after giving me a laundry list of things that are "wrong"with me....

finally I spoke up...I said "please stop, you have said the relax thing so many times and I actually find it borderline offensive"

he stopped...and said the normal response "i was trying to help"

and my voice came true and did not desert me....and i found the words i have been longing to say

" I am sick of people blaming me for not being pregnant. People say don't stress like its not a big deal....don't worry this is nothing...well, I;ve been doing this for 2 years and it is a big deal. You may as well tell me to stop breathing, I would be about as successful at stopping thinking about ttc. I have people telling me all I do wrong, I have done everything that I have been told, I have changed my diet and my life. I am sick people effectively saying "if you could just get your emotions under control you could be pregnant like everyone else". I have tried in so many ways to ask for help and support, but I am so sick of people just turning it back on me and not being supportive...just saying "don't stress" because its not supportive....it just makes me wish I had never opened my mouth"

and I am happy to say, for the first time in a long time...someone heard me. And he was not angry or defensive...he heard my pain and was sorry. He asked me questions....so he made sure he really understood.

and I did say that I knew he (and others) were trying to help, and that it did not come from a place of malice....but it just did not change the message being sent. I understand it being offered to someone who had only been trying for a few months....but once your past the 12 month mark....it becomes something that burns your ears and heart.

He could see my exhaustion at having to explain myself. He could see my sincerity. He could see how much I needed to be heard and have my journey respected and not dismissed.

I cried so much when I got home, almost out of joy. To have someone finally hear me, it also bought back all those feelings of frustration when people have not heard me...have gotten angry at me for daring say anything against their "all knowing advice".

So next time, before you extend some useless cliche to a friend in pain....listen to them. Don't ask of them more then they can humanly do. To be heard and appreciated is all that most people long for...and in our quick fix/fast paced/one size fits all society...this is not happening nearly enough. Don't dismiss people's pain...don't ignore them...don't just say the first simple fix that comes into your head so you feel better...listen to them...ask them questions...don't feel the need to HAVE the answer...sometimes all they want/need is a hug or some sympathy. Don't rush to give a quick answer so you can say what ever you wanted to say about yourself. Sometimes there is no answers...sometimes there will be answers but you don't know them. Don't be afraid to say you don't know, don't be afraid if they get upset with the cliche's being offered....this person has chosen to talk to you, trust you with their pain, if they did not like you they would not have opened up.chose to see your friend. Listen without fear or bias and you will be amazed with the response...and this gift will come back to you many times over.

Walk with love...love listens.