Dreamstate - A poem by me

The bell tolls
the world turns as we spin around the sun
dream of past
has not come true
the dream still endures

ever hopeful
dream lives on
standing still in limbo
it does not notice time moving on
it sits
based in eternity
waiting

the dream needs hope
has it
it needs traction
it slips in place
maybe the traction will come soon

phases of the moon
the dream sleeps on
waiting to wake and bloom
the dream grows
gains strength from its slumber

the line becomes finer
between dream and nightmare
which one will take its hold
who will win
hope or anger
hope reappears
dream lives on
waiting

omg, i wish i could chew my tongue out

cause these new tonics taste feral!

and well, i feel sooo sick. This is the first time that i have felt ill after taking them, and hours later I still feel sick!

This is going to be a rough few days!

Mixed news...

so today i had my 6 week check up with the naturopath and it was all a bit mixed. I am improving but not as much as he thinks i should be....he even thought i was a little dehydrated which made me laugh as i am getting through over 4 litres of water a day every day!

It did feel really good to be able to sit there and say...."no, i have been perfect...i have eaten and drunk everything I was supposed too". And i do feel better and am sleeping better. I have more energy and is it more evenly balanced. I have no food/sugar cravings...so i do know it is working.

He is majorly worried about my left ovary which has been damaged by the IUI process as they put you into early menopause to make you release more eggs....it is improving but very slowly.

The areas he is working on is Pancreas, Kidney, Ovaries, Stomach...all slowly heading in right direction...but he expected at least double the results.

My iron levels also gone down.

I am not absorbing the silica (he thinks my pancreas) from the mountains of lettuce I am eating.

He is also very anti cats as they can lead to problems absorbing silica!

So from here...he has changed my tonics...so now i am on a Liquid ailica (to try and make me absorb it), a female fertility tonic, an adapted Blood Sugar tonic. I am staying on the mag phos (that will be forever), clove powder and have about a week left on the super tonic.

The cats have been banished to the lower end of the house (as they usually only sit on me if i am sitting on the lounge).

I have to up the amount of beans and lentils i eat (a bit eww) and just stick with everything else i am doing.

The biggest thing, and biggest dilema...is that he fears my lack of progress is because of some underlying sadness. And when he asked if i was sad about anything...and well yes...i am sad that i am not pregnant or have a baby in my arms...and well the issue there is that unless i get pregnant i will be sad...so how do i get over my sadness in order to get pregnant.

I am happier now then i have been in ages, i feel positive and strong...I guess all i can do is build on that from week to week and keep on moving forward. I will have to go back and see Jaclyn (hypnotherapy) sooner then i had planned but that is OK.

So onwards and upwards, I am improving, i am succeeding in sticking to my diet and taking all my tonics...i can and will do this...i simply must

Visitors galore!

well, on the back of my dad and step mum coming to visit last weekend...my mum arrived today! Its non stop around here.

I am quite thrilled that mum came down as it especially for Elliott's special person day at school. Being that it is really just Mark and I, having someone extra special for his day at school was really nice. And, mum and I get on great so it was really nice to just sit and talk all day lol!

In a few weeks, Mandi (my sister) is bringing Tamika (my neice) down for Elliott's birthday party! So, it really will be a family month.

As for the rest of our stuff...I am pretty sure I ovulated last night and well, I can not claim to be as good as last month at preventing pregnancy...whoops! IF it happens, well, I certainly won't be complaining!

Emotionally I am feeling great. I have mended one very important friendship and that has certainly helped me feel a bit stronger and positive. It really comes down to saying things that are important and not letting them build up...i must remember that...it makes me wonder if i should make more of an effort with some other people...hmmmm.

I am on a high again, I love feeling this way! It also helps that tomorrow is my 6 week check up and then on thusday...I am officially half way!!! I am amazed that I have got this far, and i know without doubt...that I will make it to the end.

And even in my worst case scenario (of having to do IVF in September) i know that this has helped me mind, body and soul...so its all good.

The joy of a sleep in!

What a rare and wondrous treat in this house!!

Elliott is visiting his biological dad for 2 nights...gee the house feels so sad without him! He has such a huge presence and brings so much joy...even when he is sleeping I can feel him. But the upside...2 sleep in's!!!

I feel like I could do just about anything right now. I got up at 10.30am!!! Well, not all of that was sleeping but hell, thats a good thing too lol

Hopefully this added sleep will help me get through the week that is to come...my mum coming to stay for 3 nights (12 hours on a train...bless) so she can be Elliott's special person for special person's day. WE also have book fair this week (did I mention I am involved up to my neck now) which is the start of my training to take over all the Scholastic book club work from next year!

On the subject of mothers...well mothers in law...we went to visit this morning. She has now been sober 2 months and the difference is amazing. She has a long way to go but both Mark and I hoping that the fact that she has to earn her way back into our lives will be enough to keep her on the sober path. Next time I may even let Elliott come along and start slowly showing her we are beginning to trust her again. It would be wonderful to have her back in our lives...but I am very cautiously optimistic.

WEll, time for me to put my energy to good use and go and vaccum the house before Elliott gets home! Am feeeling really good and positive about this whole baby making mission today...lets hope that by end of August I have some thrilling news for you all!!

Re-learning how to celebrate

Part of the pain of infertility...is learning how to gracefully deal with those who are fertile...especially the very very lucky ones who seemingly do not even have to try and get pregnant. One of the battles is how inconsiderate people can be (oh the joys of blissful ignorance) in ramming it down every one else's throat...but sadly this then rubs off on to all people who are pregnant in my mind.

It does not help when people I have been friends with for years just cut contact with me when they get pregnant...chosing to avoid any uncomfy feelings. Through my journey I have had friends who i have stayed close with during their pregnancies, the ones who chose to be my friend...by being able to see that my sadness for me was not in any way malice to them.

The number of stupid people getting pregnant hurts my head and sensibilities. People with no capacity to care or love their children. It fuels my anger that the world is unjust and helps me have those selfish moment of playing the victim that is so hard done by.

My days of victim are over. What happens to them is not going to stop good things happening to me. I feel sorry for their children, in some cases i feel sorry for them for being barely more then children themselves...if not chronologically but biologically.

Through my journey, I have become close friends with many who are also/have also struggled and I found my brush that was tarnishing the stupid ones was also tarnishing them. So, now i have to re-learn how to celebrate pregnancies in others and I find myself today in a place of such peace.

Happily, this comes to me from a close friend who has suffered several miscarriages in the last 2 years. Both her and her hubby have shown enormous courage in their journey and she is now...12 weeks pregnant. The joy i feel for them is wonderful, something I have been numb to for the last year or so.

I hope this is a turning point for me, that i can let go of some of the anger and just be a bit more joyous.Maybe by celebrating more the pregnancies around me, I will soon be able to celebrate my own.

3rd Hypnotherapy Appointment

well, I have been struggling this week so I was looking forward to today.

I will go back and ind some entries I made about my first few Hypno appointments but I will focus on today for this post.

Today we talked a lot more about the discoveries we made last time (that my need to fit in and hide my true self came from when my parents split when I was 9 and how it was handled). Since that appointment I have been able to see so many patterns of times I have buried my own feelings and fit in. Or compared myself to others and always came in last spot. I often think that "everyone" has it so much easier....I have to remember that each person faces their own journey and struggles.

Anyways, we got talking about family dynamics and it felt really good to be able to step back and be able to analyze without judgement. I can see all the positives and negatives, and love them all the same.

My flowers are changing (flower therapy - pick the flowers that appeal) and growing as I uncover my layers.

Today, we talked about my habit of giving up. That nagging voice inside that undermines my efforts, that leads me to give up, that says "yeah, just abandon that plan...everyone will understand...its too hard for you". As far back as my subconscious would allow, it came about when I gave up theatre ( something I regret to this day) and started to hang back, not commit, not try...after all if you have not tried hard and put in lots of effort...it does not hurt as much when you fail.

This pattern has plagued me...things of value...things I really care about....i give up on...cause its easy to say....oh well, i did not try that hard it does not matter that I failed. Most of my regrets, looking back, are around giving up to soon on the things that matter...and trying to hard for things that don't matter.

So...while under...we spoke to my despondent self, the one who wants to give in and not bother...and have helped that part evolve into my researcher. My researcher will help me decide what to commit too...and make the right choices about what to stick to.

This is something that has so much value in my life, if I can truely overcome this...I will be able to make the right choices in what to commit too and when to keep going even when the going gets tough. I want this, not just so i can stick to my diet...but so I can be a better person.

I love my path at the moment, I love that I am growing through this, I love that at the other end of this path...I will be a better version of me that I have ever been.

My lil champion

I don't talk much about Elliott on here...i guess cause things are going so well there lol.

However, I should talk more about him as he is really my lil champion. I am so proud of the boy that he is. He is active and happy, outgoing and friendly (well, with other kids anyway). He is so excited about life and he tries so hard and regularly achieves what he sets out to do...not bad when your 4!

However, school is making me even more proud. He loves it! He makes an effort to do what he is told, although like most 4 year olds he can sometimes be a little cheeky.

He is is Pre Prep (preschool for you NSW people) and goes 3 days a week. He'll start Prep next year at 5 days a week). The school he is at goes from Pre Prep - Year 12 ...so he'll hopefully spend his whole school life there till he goes off to uni.

We have always focused on a bit of education at home...reading and maths...doing his number and letters and seeing him learn them has given me a lot of joy. He has been reading basic words for about 6 months and after talking to his teacher she agreed to start sending home readers for him so the link to school can be started! Anyway, they got him to read to the Head of Junior School yesterday so they could pick the level to start him on and they approximate his reading age to about 7...or Year 1....wow!

So, we did his first reader and it was a bit tricky...but on the 2nd reading today he just got it! So now we get the excitement tomorrow of seeing what the next book will be.

I love spending this time with him...its a whole new world (and wow, school is a whole new world) that we can explore together!

Permanently Broken?

I find myself wondering if the scars i bare will ever fade. If the life and lightness i hvae lost will ever return.

I can look at my body and see the scars of my past...an appendix operation here, a fall there, a plastic tooth where i fell face first. I can show these scars...laugh about their origin...but who can i show the scar on my heart. This scar that TTC has left, this scar that is my lost baby, this scar that is my heart slowly breaking each month this goes on.

I feel battered, bruised and bleeding...but to the naked eye its invisible. I am just another person...nothing to see here.

Some days i feel there is a sign above my head flashing "She has failed".

Infertility has become part of who I am. Its haunts my every day, how i eat, how I sleep, my dreams...how i think, the activities i do, the plans i make...the plans i can't make.

So I wonder; am i forever broken? Will I heal from this? Will my baby ever erase the scars or are they embedded so deep in my psychi that they will change who I am forever.

Fallen Friends

sometimes i wonder if i expect too much from my friends...a little compassion and support...does not seem too much from where i sit.

Many a time, i have stuck in there with my friends through tough journeys...i am careful with my words, i am happy to be the one that maintains contact when they have more on their plates then I do.

I know that my interest in "other things" has wained...but this is taking all my energy...and i don't have time to compete over petty things (well, i never have really) or fuss over things that in the grand scheme of things are just not that worthy of fuss.

So i now sit in a place of wondering if it is my job..to support my friends through my hard times. Am i the one who is responsible for making sure they are ok with me not being OK...or can i just focus on myself for a bit longer and trust that my real friends, the ones who have taken the time to understand my journey, will be there at the other end.

How long do i have to pretend to be happy...fake interest in people who ask nothing about me or how I am...how long do i have to dedicate energy to others...who dedicate none to me.

I'm not scared for the first time in a long time....

and it is a very freeing feeling!

I had this realisation last night that i actually trust this process. I believe in it and i finally trust myself to not stuff this up. I can do this, i am doing well. I have done very thing right and there fore this will work. I have not found it easy every day, in fact the last 3 days (in the lead up to AF) have been really hard...but i made it through...and i made it through in style!

I trust that i will get pregnant, i trust that i don't need IVF, i trust that i am going to get pregnant after i fix my body via this naturopathic program.

So i can relax and just follow my current path, this is doable, i am strong and can do it. On my bad days, i will find the determination to battle through.

28 days down...56 more to go...oh oh...thats 1/3 down...yippee!

To my inferfility Inner Circle

Please treat me as though I am in crisis. I am. I can and will cry at the drop of a hat. I am sad, angry, scared, excited, hopeful, worried, and nervous.

Please DO NOT tell me that you know how I feel unless you, yourself, have endured infertility. This is more difficult on me than you know

Please treat me with kid gloves, as I am hanging on by a very thin emotional thread

Please see that everything is not business as usual in my life, household and heart.

Please call, write, or send me an e-mail. Please understand if i don't always answer.

Please permit me a clear calendar and excuse my involvement in other activities, as my days are filled with tests, results, endless appointments, phone calls, decisions, physical discomfort, and fatigue.

Please excuse my lack of interest in everything else. Remember what I said about crisis?

Please take my other children for a fun afternoon; they suffer when I am no longer fun.

Please give me permission to do what I need to do, be it laugh, cry, sit around, or be really, really active in something

Remember that my husband is overwhelmed and in need of support as well!

Please think before you speak, if in doubt...just say you are sorry I am hurting...please do not minimise my loss, pain or grief with meaningless platitudes.

And never, ever, question me on why I bother...or ask why I don't just "be happy with what i have". I love my life and my child...would you ever let go of your child or the joy they bring you...if not, why should I.

Please dont ask me to justify why i am upset or sad or criticise me when i try to vent my feelings. Sometimes, I just need a shoulder.

Please let me know that you are supporting me even if the cycle tanks. That is my biggest fear and the hardest thing to talk about.

Please remind me that I am strong enough to endure this, as I am sure to forget along the way.

Please don't tell me to just relax...or suggest different getting pregnant tips...if you've heard it...then so have I...and I have tried it and it has failed. If a simple trick would work..I would not be doing what i am doing.

Please don't ask me if I am pregnant. If and when that occurs, I will sing it from the highest rooftop.

Hormonal as all hell....and

just got hit with not 1...not 2....but 3 new pregnancy announcements...and non of them are mine.

I am happy for others...but I find it so hard to not be sad at the same time. It is such a double edged sword. It is just such a huge reminder of what i don't have and that it seems everyone else finds it so easy. I mean, people are getting preg with the next one...and i have been trying since before they got pregnant with the last one. 

I so want to believe in what we are doing, i want to believe that this will give me what i want. But right now, on AF eve...i am all full of doubt and vulnerability. I want to be told it will all be OK, but i know that there is no guarantee and i am the one who needs to believe.

Give me strength to get through this, give me the endurance to get through the next 8 weeks...please...please give me my baby.

Hope springs eternal....

and quite frankly it is pissing me off!!

I mean seriously...we used condoms this month to prevent pregnancy as instructed...yet i still i have that lil bit of hope inside that says maybe i am pregnant...seriously...i need to get a grip!

Af is due on monday, i have already had spotting...yet still...i am having lots of those..."maybe it is my month"....

arrrgggg...at me!

3 weeks down...9 to go

And i have improved in all areas!!! Yippee!! 

There is still a while to go...but we are only 1/4 down so that is to be expected.  I think he had higher hopes for me lol...so i'll have to work twice as hard and hopefully have huge results next time.

He thinks a lot might still be emotional so i have to keep working on that stuff too...so more relaxing and getting as happy as possible. He was looking at one thing..asked a few questions and then looked at same thing again...and it had gotten worse by 40%....must stop caring what others think apparently...easier said then done for me!

I have lost just over 2 kg in 3 weeks...more good news. This is not all about weight loss but since i have put on 10kg while ttc the last few years...i would love to get rid of it before getting pregnant...so i can put it on again lol He as suggested that i reverse my meal order...so big brekky, medium lunch and small dinner....so i'll try that over the next few weeks.

The only thing i have not been having enough of...is lettuce and cabbage....so i'll be upping those from dinner tonight!

I see him again in 3 weeks...and he said that i have to use protection for at least the next 6 weeks...meaning i will miss one more cycle of ttc...and then i think i'll be letting any idea of contraception go and sending out requests for as much baby dust as possible ;-)

Feeling nervous

About my naturopath appointment tomorrow...go i hope there has been an improvement....he said he would be able to tell tomorrow if this was going to work for me. I have been sooo good...i mean i have not had 1 thing from the no go list, i have taken every potion, i have drunk all my water!

Michael is very blunt and straight to the point...and i do trust that if there is no improvement he will tell me..and even he said then he would probably recommend IVF. At this point, i am very keen on doing this the natural way.

I know the diet is effecting Mark and I a lot, i know that the lack of sugar and caffienne is making both of us a bit tired atm. I know that Mark is struggling with the food...but seriously...he is being amazing! He is not complaining about missing out on anything...but he is hating the eggs lol!

Arrgghhh....so nervous...i want a really good result tomorrow. I really want him to confirm that he'll be giving mark the super duper sperm tonic in 6 weeks time....and i really want to be pregnant in about 14 weeks time!

Why we chose not to do IVF...for now

This is a tricky and emotional one...and i guess background is required...

When we started down this path of TTC, we thought there would be no issue...afterall, i had fallen pregnant with Elliott 2 weeks after coming off the pill...so I thought that meant it would be easy again....10 months later the shine had sort of started to fade on the whole ttc thing...especially when most others had fallen preg around me with no issue...hard to explain how that feels.

In my gut (and from extensive googling) i thought the problem was me due to being diagnosed with an auto immune disorder...but the GP was just not listening! So, i started Accupuncture to see if that helped.

So a few months later with still no joy, we got a sperm test, seeing how Mark is not E's bio dad...we thought this would be a good place to start...what came back was pretty good but slight low morphology so we got a specialist referral. I still felt it was me.

The specialist said..."It's you, slightly low morphology is not an issue"...and he recommended IUI. So we went home and thought about that for a while...we talked at length and said...yes to IUI...no way to IVF (lol)...so then IUI began.

This is a bit of a grueling process...and for me meant a lot of needles as my Rhuem put me on Heparin ( a blood thinner to try and counter act my immune disorder) which meant 2 needles a day...plus the needles of hormone injections...plus tablets...and of course the very charming cathetar to get the sperm in to the top of the uterus...thats good fun!

It really takes the romance out of making a baby...between the needle bruises, the mad rushing hormones and the use of a sample pot to deliver the boys to the doc..it really can be a little dehumanising...

so moving swiftly on...3 months went by...3 attempts and 3 fails....i can not explain the ups, downs and pain this caused. My final round was Dec 2008...i got my negative result just before xmas..

we then got pregnant...in January..no IUI but i did use my left over drugs (hehe)...i miscarried a few days after the pregnancy was confirmed....

Then we went back to see the fertility doc (who i didn't like but that is a whole other story) who said no point in IUI anymore..IVF or no new baby. We decided to get a 2nd opinion, who also agreed...IVF was the only way.

So, after declaring openly that IVF was not an option..we were at a doorway...and we had to admit...we had changed our minds...well I had...and convinced Mark...a woman and her new baby  will not be parted lol. And i am soo lucky to have a hubby who does back me 100%

We decided to do it, we did the counselling, we did the nurse appointments, we got used to the new specialist...i had it all lined up with my Rhuem...but i was making myself sick and a nervous wreck. I was eating out of control, i was almost parralysed.

So, in looking for stress releif (so i could do IVF) i booked in to have some Hypnotherapy done...something new but it felt right. After talking to her and being hypnotised, i felt so much better. We talked about a great Naturopath that she knew...and i decided to call and see what would happen.

AS soon as i started thinking about not doing IVf and doing it via the naturopath...the sick feelings, sleepless nights and panic attacks went away...i decided there was a definate message form the universe there!

Usually there is a 4-6 week wait to see him....i called and got in the next day (fated to be perhaps).  On seeing him i felt instantly it was right (even though he was having a very bad day lol) and after thinking overnight...and talking to Mark...we both decided to do his program. And, if you have read the program...its full on a big undertaking!

We have removed our time limits (i was obsessed with being pregnant before i was 35) and if this does not work by end 2009 then we will go back and do IVF...if we are not pregnant by end of 2010...we will prob leave it alone (and i say prob because i really do not know how i can stop wanting this baby).

There are lots of things that hurt when you are long term ttc....when other fall so easily and say some really stupid hurtful things. I have had people ignore my feelings, say things like "well it could be worse", stand up for the people who have offended me, say "at least you have not had a miscarriage (pre miscarriage)", i've had people get offended because i was upset over my situation, people not understand that i can't gush over others pregnancies and babies, I had a close friend refer to my miscarriage as my period starting. Undoubtedly the most hurtful thing that i have ever face was someone saying to me "do you really think we would even car if you got pregnant seeing how little attention you have paid to our pregnancies"...it took me a while to recover from that one...but i think it really sums up how little compassion some people have on such an emotional issue...and this is not just me, it is for all my girls who i have got to know throughout this journey. I have found that i have grown as a person through this...i wish so much for the blissful ignorance that i used to have...but i am glad because i have made some amazing friends and learnt a deeper level of compassion for my ttc sisters. However, i now feel i have learnt what i can from this...and am really truly ready to have my baby bump, to feel those wiggles inside and hold that baby in my arms.

It has not been a light decision...it is not going to be an easy 12 weeks (and omg mark needs 16 weeks...but we don't have to wait to ttc for him to finish) but i am 3 weeks in...and have no regrets.

Well, its Tuesday

And the blog continues.

Have just had a really nice coffee with some friends so feeling nice and relaxed...lets summarise what my diet is...for the uninitiated...

Per day i have to have:

4 litres of water 

6 fruits

big plate vege's

2 poached eggs

lots of lettuce

Fish 2 times per week (struggle with this one lol)

Can have chicken, beef and lamb as long as cooked through (no red bits lol)

No alcohol, sugar, yeast, white flour/pasta etc, no caffienne, no dairy (i'm allowed to have 2 small serves of Jalna Yogurt each day)

Also, i have a heap of tonics to take...Anti Fungal, Anti bacterial, Super Potion, Blood sugar regulator (all of those mixed together 2 times a day, Stomach tonic (3 times a day), Tissue Salt Tablet (5 times a day), flower essences (4 times a day) and Liquid Multi (2 times a day), 1/4 tsp Clove powder in yogurt (1 lot per day).....that covers it...not for the light hearted or unorganised thats for sure!!

So far, so good really!! I am nearly at the end of 3 weeks and so far i have done every thing and easily!! I swear its due to the Hypnotherapy!! I see the Naturopath on Thursday and we'll see if he thinks I am doing well.

I saw my Chiro today and he said i was remarkably better then i was 3 weeks ago! And my treatment (which is normally torture) was nice and relaxing....and i didn't feel like i needed to go home and have a nana nap.

I guess when i look at all this and it reminds me how much i want a baby and what i am willing to do to get it. It makes me proud some days...and sad others. I want so much for it to be simple and easy like so many others...but then i look back and go wow, if this does work, i will have accomplished something huge...I so want to be proud of myself and joyous when i finally get to feel this baby in my arms.

Welcome to blog land

well, i have often threatened to start blogging my life...and well...here it is...i know...can you believe your luck.

I am presently subjecting myself to a Naturopathic diet in order to hopefully achieve my dream of becoming a mummy to a 2nd gorgeous child.

I'll be exploring this over the next few days to make it all pretty....so if you happen to find it now..sorry for the boredom lol

My past blogs.....I could not upload...so I have copy and pasted them in here...so many words and memories...to keep it simple...i am going past to most recent!

27th Oct 2008 - IUI Cycle #2

well...here we go again.

I am on day 6 a the moment...back on the Puregon, an increased dose to try and get more eggs...66iU each day this month

I have my first scan on the Thursday, 30th. Will anticipated trigger injections on Saturday 1st Nov and insemination on Monday 3rd November which will be CD13.

I am having needles instead of the horrid cream as after insemination support.

I came off the Heparin injections while AF was here and got hit with a lot of foot and hand pain so am back on them again and won't be coming off next month. They have also set me thyroid going agin so my weight is normalising and i am very happy with that.

I am doing well emotionally, still numb and other then a small cry after last months failure i have let it all fall away from me.


30th October 2008 CLuck Cluck Cluck

i am growing eggs

had my scan today...eggs not as developed as he hoped but i have another scan on Saturday and i am still hoping we can go ahead on monday.

the other problem is that there are lots of buds...so i hope only some of them progress...and that we have 3 good ones on Saturday!

1st November 2008 The scan says....

i have 3 eggs...thank god there is only 3 as i was very scared the cycle would be cancelled. I have been feeling a bit of a wreck since Thursday's scan to be honest.

So, they are not quite as big as hoped for....but that is cause there are 3 i think so we are postponing insem until Tuesday. I have to have my trigger needle at 7.35pm (precisely lol) and then drop off our sample at about 9am on Tuesday and then insem at 11.35am. So my tomorrow night we are hoping they have grown another 2mm...which is realistic.

So i spent this afternoon shopping with the girls and having a well needed break from thinking about it all...

Now i just have to figure out exactly how we are going to sort thing logistically...and well, Mark being a bit useless so i'll just have to tell him rather then discuss lol

3rd November 2008 Tomorrow is the day...

that i will hopefully get pregant!!

Had a gret day shopping with my gf's today...got some lovely new clothes...feeling good about myself and now have some outfit options lol

Tomorrow will be manic...but hopefully worth it.

I did my trigger last night at 7.35...bfore going out to dinner with a gf who is over from New Zealand..it was so good to catch up!

Tomorrow i have to drop sperm off at about 9am, then go over to the Alfred Hospital to collect my heparin..then back to the Freemasins for a coffee ith a freind from another forum who is also on month #2 of IUI...thenget inseminated at 11.35..

then its off for melbourne Cup BBQ...i do feel i should have said no to the BBQ...but at the same time i want life to go on.

It will be busy...but if i need to I can have a lay down at Sophies house...I needed one last time after the IUI...so i'll see how i go.

anyway...fingers crossed...2nd times a charm

18th November 2008 CD1 - IUI Cycle #3 starts today and..

and i cried so hard last night i have lost my voice...i really have not let the emotions out since starting IUI and last night it just all came out. I can not remember the last time i sobbed..i really needed it.

This is our last try...i am not strong enough to carry on after this one.

I am not doing well. I do not know how this journey is going to end...either way...i just do not know what is going to happen.

My meds will stay the same this month as they were happy with me having 3 eggs this time around.

I really have just been putting 1 foot infront of the other today...hoping to get through with happy kids till bedtime (so far so good) so i can collapse and grieve the child that once again has not arrived in my life.

2nd December 2008 Luteal Day 4

ended up having an early insemination this month as i went in for my scan on day 9 and i already had a 16 mm egg...so had to get going or i would have O'd naturally.

had 2 good eggs released...over 100 mil sperm with over 90% motility.

Had my first booster needle today, and accupuncture...

all seeming to be as always so i do not know if it has worked or not...i really hope that it does...beleive it or not...I'll know for sure....on Xmas eve whether it has...this really could be an xmas miracle!

13 December 2008 The waiting....

is making me a crazed obsessive mad woman....AF is late and that should be good. But the tests say negative...arrrggg

this insem me early and make my wait a 4 weeks wait is just down right mean...who invented this infertility crap anyway

i am weeing every 5 minutes for gods sake!!!

15th December 2008 Shit

After a AF being a week late...crazy symptoms and hope through the roof....2 blood tests have confirmed that I am not pregnant.

Merry freaking christmas to me, I hope the tears will have stopped by then.

17th December 2008 Hopeless?

Ok, so I have resurfaced. But only barely. I have decided in all my wisdom...to use up my left over stim drugs (i have enough) and do my own little stim cycle this month. I have O tests so can just take the Puregon until I ovulate...then try the old fashioned way. I also have 2 booster shots left over...so I have all the required druggies!

I am also going to start Bowen therapy through Marks' Chiro guy...what the hell...I've tried everything else!

14th January 2009 OMG OMG OMG

so...cause smoz put the thought in my already insane head...i did another test...line much clearer...even DH thinks so!!!

Wow, who knew wanting to buy pickles in cole could lead to this!!!

so, as scared as i am to say this!!!

I have a BFP...and i am trying to get booked in for a blood test right now!

15th January 2009 I'm back from the doc and....

i'm back...and its still a BFP!!!!!

my beta level only 7...which is low but as blood was taken on day 26 my rheumatologist happy with that (i was with her when the results came through).

If nothing else...this is proof that I CAN GET PREGNANT...and my specialist see's it that way too. She has double checked my liquid multi and said that it has enough folic acid for pregnancy and told me to keep doing exactly what i am doing.

Please please please let this be my turn. I had no idea i could be so excited and so petrified all in one moment. I feel like i could cry, sing, dance all at once.

I have to have more bloods taken on Tuesday morning to hopefully see a nice big number!!

16th January 2009 All my excitement

may have all been premature.

I have started spotting today...trying to stay positive....i really am as i bled and lost clots for the first 12 weeks with Elliott...

But i think this may have been a practice run...i'll let you guys know how it goes but it may be over before its begun.

2 days pregnant better then none at all...but i would like another 8 months of it please!

January 19th 2009

Its officially all over. I am too grief stricken for words. This may be the end

20th January 2009

i feel better then i should i think. Maybe because it was so early when i lost my angel...maybe because my path has been so hard this last 18 months...maybe because i have not got the enormity of it yet.

I had said for a while...i could handle it if i got preg and lost the baby...just knowing i could actually do it after so long with nothing would be a blessing.

However, seeing those 2 beautiful lines and having a blood test prove i was pregnant really sent shivers of excitment. The plans for the pregnancy and the love really starts instantatneously. The depth of sorrow i felt last night felt overwhelming. I could not do my job as Elliott's mother, thank god Mark was here when i got home...i really don't know how i managed to drive home.

Once again, this journey has changed who I am.

I am glad i managed not to break down in front of E, kids are so innocent. He saw i was sad, but not the floods of tears that came later.

But then, once the tears had washed away the grief...i started to feel better. I have done it, i got pregnant. What i am doing is working, for the first time. I will redouble my efforts now, if conception can happen i just have to work on my lining being receptive...so i will add some things to my diet to make it so.

Today i am tired (hot night plus my stupid cat got stuck on the roof and meowed until mark when and rescued it about 4 am) but ready. I am going to call and see if Neal can fit me in again today (I had mark call last night and cancel it as i felt i would not be able to leave the house today).

My angel wanted to show me i could do this...show me i am nearly there..i will work so that they come back to my womb soon