What a huge weekend!

But what a great one!!!

I am normally not a fan of everything happening at once...it stresses me out! But this weekend has been so fantastic and busy all at once...

Catching up with old friends, birthday parties, looking at booking tickets to the UK, having family stay for a few days...and both my precious men having birthdays!

Through all that busyness I also managed to speak up about a few things that are bothering me! And i did it calmly and hopefully productively. The thing is, my sister, whom I adore, is one of those people who are not good at listening or showing compassion. She views my infertility with a bit of distain. She knows how long we've been trying but still...she's always there to try and minimise it. Before my miscarriage her response was always "well, at least you have not had a miscarriage"...even when I tried to explain that made me feel like she was dismissing my pain and not taking me seriously...she still defended herself and anyone else that said that because "well, a miscarriage is really bad"...hmmm. So anyway, after I had a miscarriage...she comes back with "well, at least t was early enough that you don't seem to care"...I mean seriously wtf! So, when she tried to say it again....I stopped her. And I told her how it made me feel and I told her that I have stopped telling her how i feel because I am sick of hearing her justify everyone else and dismissing my feelings as inconsequential. She did not like it, but I was firm. She tried to say that I was strange as my miscarriage didn't hurt me badly enough...so i corrected her and said that was because I was already in so much pain from everything else that had happened I did not have as far to fall...I mean when you have been battling something this long...one more battle scar is not the end of the world..but still..I just don't think she gets it. But that is OK, because I have spoken my truth now and I feel better inside!!!

My sister does mean well, she is not vindictive or cruel...she, like many others just do not get it. And I guess they are the lucky ones...but ge I wisha bit of care could at least be faked sometimes.

And that UK trip I mentioned....I might be heading over that way in September...partly helped by my ex inlaws who really want Elliott to come over! And the most exciting part...Mark wants to come!!! I so expected him to encourage me to go alone...but now...he has said he is keen (which is amazing as prior he has always resisted any kind of long haul travel). I am over the moon. I have a friend who is a travel agent who I saw on Saturday...she is going to try and hook me up with a great deal...I am so excited...its been ...ummm, more then 5 years since i did any travel and my poor old feet are itching up a storm!!!

Moving on to where I am this cycle...and I am so full of hope that things are going well...and warning...there may be way TMI in this next bit for the faint hearted!

I am currently on CD 18 and am having what I highly suspect my be light implantation bleeding! Its too early for pre cycle spotting and well..I am hoping hoping hoping...that I am right! If all the signs remain the same then I will do a test in about 10 days....which will be just after our wedding anniversary!! Oh I hope i'm right....pregnancy here we come!

Do you ever

look back and wonder what would have happened had you seen that warning sign that the universe offered and you ignored?

Do you ever wonder what in your life made you wander down an unwise path?

Some say past wounds, some say repeated patterns and soem say destiny.

I, on the other hand, simply don't know.

I know that looking back there was a very clear moment early in my relationship with my ex husband where i nearly walked away. A night where he showed me his true colours, his controlling bullying nature. And early enough that i should have simply walked away.

An innocent conversation with a fellow melbournian far away from home...simple right? In a pub, in plain sight. NOthing untoward or nasty...but to my ex...that was clearly unacceptable. That i would talk to another man, one he did not know...that was not on. And on that night, even after a warning from a friend, I continued talking....because to me, the idea of that kind of jealousy was just unheard of. However, moments later, as he dragged me off to the back of the pub to scream and yell at me, I was to learn fear for the first time.

I did walk away from him that night, out into the street in Reading. Amazed that such a seemingly intelligent and nice guy could be such a tool. I told him then and there...I would not be spoken to that way. But, when the flowers and apologies began...I believed it...he just really liked me...was overcome by love...sounds good right?

And the message was repeated over and over...starting gentle the next time and escalating each time in its delivery. The message was "DO as I say, behave as I say...for you are nothing without me". And me, being me, I took this. Everyone has flaws..this was his. I did not want any more public fights so i behaved.

This moment, its what came up in Hypnotherapy today. This moment, the moment i first learnt fear. This moment is what lead me down the path to that battered shadow of myself that married him (only to be screamed at on day 5 of that marriage that I had better learn to behave like a wife and damn fast), got pregnant at his wish (only to be abused for not doing that well enough) and then got left/cheated on/abused/assisinated....in that moment...i sealed my fate.

I have often thought back and said "I must not regret anything, for without that path I would not have my beloved Elliott". But I do regret selling myself so short. I regret swallowing all those insults and all that poor treatment. I do regret accepting his poison into my life. I do regret momentarily putting down my pride and allowing myself to be kicked.

I'm back now though, with the lesson that time has taught me. I am back now, and I have the greatest gift, the lil boy who i lived for when all else inside me wanted to die. I will always look at Elliott and know he is the reason i survived and although, I regret with all my soul being a victim to his father...but I will never regret my son as he is my reason to breathe.

SO now, this fear that was trapped inside me is gone. I will never go back, I will never again put down my strength or accept poor treatment out of fear. I will always survive no matter what. I know now, that I am not scared of being pregnant again, because I know that I am not going back, I am going forward. If, in this insane universe, I have married another closet abuser, that i can simply walk away. I will not suffer in silence and hope that things get better around me...I will scream out for help and then I will help myself.

My Dh now, is not like my ex, and I thank my blessings for him every day. But more then that...I thank myself, for living, for breathing, for being hopeful and joyous. I thank myself for going places I was scared of, and seeing that they are not that scary after all...I thank myself for being me....happy, energetic, ballsy and sometimes, just a lil insane.

I am woman, in every sense...daughter, lover, wife, sister, mother and friend. And, just quietly, I like myself quite alot...and the next time someone tries to make me change...I'm going to tell them ever so nicely...no thanks, been there, done that....its just not for me!

I am exhausted....

and its not a good day for that lol

This week is going to be huge as it is Elliott's and Mark's birthday! I can't wait for all the fun to start...but being the mummy...all that fun means lots of work for me. Oh, and this is also ovulation week...so well that is fun and work too lol.

I have to get all cleaned today...the whole house. Istarted yesterday but i have about 4 hours of work today...plus baking, plus having fun with Elliott.

Tomorrow I have hypnotherapy at 9.30am...then a few hours to recover...then more tidying, finishing off party bags an wrapping pressies. The take E to Karate...his first time in uniform!

Wednesday i have to bake the cupcakes to take to school on Thursday

Thursday (Elliott's Birthday...omg i can not believe my boy will be 5)...I'll be up early icing cakes! after school drop off i have to bake the cupcakes for his birthday party on Friday, go to the airport to collect Mandi and Tamika and get back in time to collect E from school! Then home and have E's birthday dinner....I think he wants homemade pizza...so not too hard there!

Friday is party day. So icing cakes, making dinner for 10 people (am thinking of throwing soup in the slow cooker)...hopefully lots of relaxing!

Saturday...is Karat, then a fair at school, then another birthday party....then home and to make a special dinner for Mark's birthday...oh and i have to make his cake somewhere in there....maybe friday? OMG!

Sunday...we are going out to brunch on Brunswick street so Tamika and Mandi can get a vege bar fix! Take Tamika on a tram....and then have to take them back to the airport...it will have been manic but so good to have them here. They have not seen this house before...will be nice to have them around for a few days.

SO....that is my very very scary busy week! If i am not posting...you know why lol

I don't feel sick!!!!

and it is so amazing how much more i feel up to!

I have been going out so much more....I went to brekky with the girls from school, went over to Jan's house so she could show me how bookclub works and am going out to dinner with the TPP girls tonight! And i actually look forward to it, am excited by it. OMG, feeling sick all day every day had sapped my energy so much I had not noticed how down i had got!

I am off to see my Chiro/Bowen guy this morning. Am hoping he can get me nice and aligned...as I should be ovulating next week....and it is all systems go!

Oh..i could almost sing and dance..almost...don't worry I won't scar your ears or retina's with that sight just yet...but stay tuned...happy dances will be on the way!

Naturopath check up today...and

i am improving!!!!

My uterus is all healed (prob explains the crazy period i just had) and ready to go.

My pancreas is all healed.

My bacteria levels have dropped dramatically so my tummy is geting better. Only half of it though lol

My iron levels are back up to 100%.

There are still some down sides....

my left ovary is still shit...to combat this he has changed my fertility tonic. WE can get by without it....but he thinks this last change will sort it out.

My poor tummy is struggling because my body is still not absorbing silica very well. Which sucks cause i have been feeling so sick with that tonic. He has changed me to something called Molkosan and given me a tablet for the silica.

He is very happy with my progress...said he can see i am being excellent with my diet...so that was a big boost!

So, he has said he still thinks there is an emotional block and I think i may have figured out what it might be.

When i got pregnant with Elliott, my ex husband got very abusive and angry. He was not supportive and ended up having an affair (and getting more and more abusive towards me) from about 2 months on. He abandoned me physically, refused any sort of intimacy because in his words he found my pregnant body disgusting.

He literally had a spilt personality...in public he was this 'perfect husband' and behind closed doors he was horrific. I found myself acting along...repeatedly telling myself that he was just having trouble adjusting and that it would all get better soon....I spent most of my pregnancy feeling like i was loosing my mind. His mood would change so quickly, i was always scared. If he was screaming and yelling i was scared...when he was super nice and apologetic i was even more scared...because by then I had learnt that the nicer her was...the worse the next outburst would be. I feel a lot of guilt for playing along, not saying something sooner. I feel like I lack credibility, like my story won't be believed because i did not speak up.

Now, as much as I have dealt with that on a conscious level...it does still haunt me. And as i have spoken with Michael and Jaclyn, this has been a niggling thought in the back of my mind. So i think sub consciously i think i am scared of it happening again. As much as I love and trust my hubby now, i felt the same way about my ex and really had no idea he was capable of such cruelty. 20/20 hindsight has shown me all those warning signs that were there the whole time...but I know all about people repeating their patterns...and well...its damn scary.

Mark and I have a very physical relationship. We have discussed that this may change with pregnancy. Although, after living sexless through my first pregnancy (under protest) I will not be willing to do it again. I know that Mark is very excited about being pregnant, and making love to celebrate and care for me during the pregnancy. I know I have asked him many questions that i never thought to ask my ex, I know we have a better relationship on every level, i know that we have better communication and better intimacy.

So, when i see Jaclyn on Tuesday...I'll be venturing somewhere i am scared of going...but i will walk this path...I will walk through this place of pain and walk out the other side a better person.

The excitement builds....

and i am trying to harness it for good instead of evil lol.

I have so many things that i want to do and need to do. Some just basic things like getting back on top of the housework and others like get my uni applications in order, get organised for my STAT tests.

Today i am going well, i really think that getting up and have a shower is going to be essential for me...oh, and the going to bed at 9.30pm lol.

We have the house valuer coming today to hopefully give us a good value for our refinace...we want that extra money to get the aircon done...and either a new car for me OR ivf...I would prefer the new car and get pregnant on my own!

Anyway, this is a whole lot of nothing today. I think i am trying to harness my energy and point it in the right direction. I am trying to avoid my tonics i think....its what i am doing next and i really really don't want to take them...i feel so awful afterwards...I know why and i'll never miss a dose...but i am the queen of procrastination....and i want to stamp my foot 4 year old style and scream "I don't wanna"!

Feeling overwhelmed and fragile

and i have no real reason.

I usually only feel this way near when AF is about to arrive and piss me off. But the last week i have just been so disorganised and everything seems to be getting on top of me.

Its 10am and I am supposed to be out...but i am only just getting organised now...arrgg.

I have no excuse...it is just not coming together...i hope this week is better then last...at least i managed to get the bed made this morning....that usually means a better day ahead.

I have my shopping list done...i have got E dressed ...and to my credit we baked biscuits this morning too...now time for me...go on...off the computer...put one foot in front of the other and get going!

He's ready to knock me up...

even the naturopath says so lol!

Mark has his 6 week naturopath check up last night and he thinks he is doing great. He says Mark is now ready to make me pregnant and all he needs to do is to keep taking his tonics and make sure he has 2 eggs every day (an increase from the 8 a week he has atm) and the boys will be ready for their date with my egg!

Its a bit exciting, so now i just have to hope that these god awful ones i am taking have got me over the stall in recovery of my ovaries and uterus!!!

I am using my most positive thoughts...imagining being able to tell people that it has worked, announcing my pregnancy to all my friends, being heavily pregnant at xmas time (and enjoying the 12 hour drive to the coast lol) and having a happy healthy bub early in 2010.

I am prepared to use IVF if need be and i am glad that that I have a back up, but i do believe in my heart that this natural way is going to work. It feels right that this will work and then we can do our natural birth weekend retreat http://www.birthingwisdom.com.au/prebirth.html and hopefully have a nother natural birth like I did with Elliott...

My world feels like it is going to right itself once more...bring it on baby bring it on!

my first parent/teacher interview

Well, i went in for my first parent teacher interview this morning and i am one very proud mummy! School is a really new and exciting adventure and at times i am nervous that Elliott will not like it/not fit in.

Having gone to 7 schools myself and having memories of not so good days, what i have always wanted for Elliott is a stable school life...1 school, maybe a maximum of 2 if we change for high school.

It is really different being the parent, something i have having a huge learning curve with as well. Handing over the responsibility of my boy to a new person and also accepting that his peer group will play an equal role to me in his life...very scary and bring out my control freak lol!

Anyway, on to my boy and his progress at school......

We looked through his work books and his writing is getting so very good.

He is socialising really well with both girls and boys. He has repeatedly been seen going and helping any child that is sad/crying, once even stopping in a race to go back and help a friend.

He has been placed in the accelerated learning group and has been allocated to a prep class with an accelerated learning focus.

She talked about his humour and his determination and his ability to really focus on an activity and also pause and think things through before leaping in.

I loved hearing how she talked about him, she really seems to enjoy having him there

I am so happy. Elliott loves school and he loves his teacher. We have a big love of learning in our home and it is expanding everyday he is at school!

He has also just gone up a level in his readers!

She gave me 2 things to work on at home....writing his numbers and also his pencil grip....i'll encorporate that into our daily games!

I am so happy for him. I love seeing his happy little face when i pick up after school, i love that when he gets to the car the first thing he wants to do is read his new reader, i love how much he is learning every day and is constant (and now slightly annoying) use of his new word...deciduous! I love that he is making new friends and growing every day...

ahhh...i am one very happy mummy right now!

The knock on effect....

oh the irony...The budget has been released and i am struggling to come to grips with what it means for us.

They have decided the payment of $5000 for having a baby can stay...but the support for those trying to have a child has been scrapped!! How unreasonable...but then, i am now part of a silent epidemic of infertility!

There is so little support for people who are suffering through this emotionally...and now the gov't is taking away the availability of treatment.

If this budget gets approved (and even if it doesn't i can not see the opposition saving IVF support) then as of January 1 2010, the rebate for IVF will be capped at approx $500. Presently, it is about $4500. So, IVF is now officially for the rich here in Australia. [edited to add....they have not scrapped it altogether...the rebate will now be about $3000...but this still doubles the existing OOP expense].

As a result, i have had to be much more proactive and can no longer just let it wait till January next year and let things happen.

I called and spoke to Helen (Dr Toledo's secretary...Dr Toledo is my fertility doc) and have booked us a pre cycle appointment for July 14th at 11.30am. With the view of doing our first IVF cycle in August this year. The plan will be...to do 2-3 egg collection cycles meaning hopefully i will get pregnant off a fresh cycle before year end. If i don't, we are hoping to have quite a few frozen embies that we could implant next year...this of course costs lots lots less mean that this would be more affordable with the new system.

I have also called and booked an appointment with Dr Bendrups (she is my Rheumatologist and the best reproductive rheum in Melbourne if not Australia) on 24th June at 1pm for a pre IVF check up and to find out what she thinks is the best treatment for me during IVF.

Dr Toledo and Dr Bendrups have already been in touch and have got a great treatment plan for me...so now i just need to go and find out what it will be.

This gives me time to finish my diet and of course get myself pregnant the good old fashioned way. Appointments can be cancelled after all but now i have a good back up plan it takes the pressure off!

I feel, that once people realise the effect this will have, IVF clinics will be run off their feet for the next 6 months and then very quiet next year.

The budget report i read said they think pricing has gone up too much cause of the government rebates, but what they are not taking into consideration is the technological breakthroughs that have happened and the costs that have been passed on. ICSI, freezing tech, collection tech have all come on in leaps and bounds. And lil things like the costs of the pippettes they use (invisible to the naked eye, made of high qual glass). All these things add up. This has been done with no consultation with doctors...

They worry about the falling population, so entice people who are fertile with money....but take away the funding for those who desperately want children...it just does not make sense!

Haunted by chocolates....

so, i am doing ok. Still feeling pretty feral with my tonics but am getting through it. Am doing great with the food...still forcing down the 4 litres of water...so why...dear universe...why are you testing me???

We had a great Mothers Day, I got brekky in bed and some lovely gifts from Elliott, i got to spend longer in bed and then relaxed most of the day while Mark helped get dinner ready (the new Slow cooker is getting a work out)...then a visit from an old friend who was aching to go Rollerskating so off we went....

Who wins the lucky door prize? Me, who never wins anything!!! What was the wonderful prize i hear you gasp...a box of Roses Chocolates....hmmmmm So into the draw where i can not see them....a bit of temptation but i can handle it.

So, after a rather challenging day yesterday (a 4 year old rebel was trying my patience) it was off to school this morning with a still rebellious Elliott in tow. So after a minor meltdown while waiting to go into class...I was happily chatting when i was presented with....wait for it...ANOTHER box of Roses Chocolates!!

See...you thought i had lost the path of this post...but no, my ramblings bought me back to my point!

So, now i have 2 boxes of chocolates put aside to tempt me. I can do it, i can do it, I can do it!!

Friday again?

it's friday already and it has been a massive week!

I feel like being sick has left me days behind, and well i have not caught up yet!

I went out yesterday and got a Slow Cooker...am sadly excited by this and have the pleasure of my house now smelling lovely as i put a Chicken Indian Style dish on this morning, Its failsafe, and also naturopath diet approved! Really looking forward to dinner tonight now!

Still feeling sick on and off with my tonics but things are much improved.

Sadly, i have the start of my period today...not really but well, enough proof that the bitch is on the way.

I should be happy, because once i finally get a CD1 i can have my cycle of trying really commence. The next 3 months will be telling.

I am mixed at whether i should book an IVF appointment for August so i have a back up...i really don't know the best thing to do. I will see how my next Naturopath appointment goes and pick a timeframe to work within.

I do feel very positive about what we are doin, but i also don't want to leave booking appointment so long that it takes forever to get going again if we need to...

it really has me wondering what to do.

Back upright!

Ok, this is my first day of not feeling like shit with my new tonics...I have got it right!

Now, the trick...ignore the instructions to combine all those pesky tonics into one feral drink...nooo...don't do that! The trick is...to have them at least a few hours apart...and follow each dose with one or two plain kettle chips! Now, there is a new way. But it works!!

Sadly for me, I now have a cold...soo am still feeling a bit awful but certainly back on my positive plane of thinking again.

I have also come to realise...i am doing the right things...eating right, drinking enough (although sometimes 4 litres feels like a mountain), taking all my potions. I can hold my head high. ALso, I am happy and positive and excited about my future. I can be frustrated because this baby is taking so long to arrive, but that does not make me miserable. Everyone has good and bad days, and I am a normal person it that i do express these emotions. I will not accept that something in me is stopping this happening emotionally. I trust myself, my soul and my heart. I believe in myself, my marriage, my son, my family, my friends and my joy to carry me through this.

If it comes down to this not working, i will not have failed. I will have succeeded, in the face of much adversity. If this does not work, I will have laid the perfect foundation for IVF to work for us.

I am woman...hear me roar...well..hear me croak today...but i am doing it proudly!

Teary breakdown alert

ok...it finally got to me!

Michael saying it was not working well enough got me rattled....and then the sickness...and the ridiculous catch 22 of not being happy enough to be pregnant....

I called to speak to Jaclyn (hypnotherapist) and make a new appointment. We got chatting about how i was feeling and then the tears came.

I felt happy and positive and over the moon with myself for doing all the right things, I was proud and excited. Even if this slows us down i am OK...but feeling sick all day every day is not on. I feel blamed for it not working...i know that is not the case.

I have to ask though....if i was happy and ok with not being pregnant...i would not be dedicating the time/money/energy into this diet/program. I am doing this because i am not satisfied with what is happening. So how do i win. If i just accept my present lack of fertility, then i won't have the motivation to do this....

so riddle me this...how the hell do i win?

Ahhh, its monday again

WEll, the weekend has flown by and we are back to lazy monday! It seems to be the one day Elliott and I have to sloth about...well, not sloth, Elliott is no where near slothing! We have already read 3 books and done 2 levels of reading Eggs...I have now got him nice and quietly having morning tea and watching play school...while i sit for a moment!

The tonics are still making me feel lousy...so i called Michael and had a whinge lol. He thinks it could be my body reacting (i knew he would see it as good news grrr) but agrees that I can not be stuffed for the rest of the day so I have to take them all seperately today and find out if it is 1 in particular.

If it is the silica...its my body rejecting it because of me being unhappy...hmmm...I have discussed this dilemma before!

If it is the fertility tonic it is better news..because it means it is repairing the damage done to my system by the fertility drugs I took during IUI.

I'll experiment on myself today and see what happens.

On other news...went to a party yesterday and had a great time mainly. Both Mark and I find it hard to socialise at the moment...when surrounded by food we can not eat and alcohol we can not drink...it sort of makes it difficult to find some common ground. And, of course, there was the pregnant person i was just not expecting. I must admit, i did recoil a little when i found out, i didn't mean too...it just touches on my weakness atm. This girl is lovely, i have met her quite a few times. Was the last thing i expected...cause she had baby #1 just as i met her...when we started ttc...so now she is 20 weeks pregnant with #2. I did manage to pull myself together and not run away and made sure i went back to talk to her (but kept it food related) because its not her fault i feel so vulnerable and exposed around pregnant people.

I have been dubbed the baking queen by a few of my friends now...and i sort of like it. It is moving on from my years as the dancing queen heehee! It is certainly a name i can live with.

WEll, on to try my tonics and see which ones make me feel like dirt...i'll report back tomorrow...fingers crossed its the fertility one!

I have cupcakes baking...

and i can't eat them lol!

I am doing a trial run for E's birthday cakes...i will have to post a photo when its done for his birthday cause i think it will be great! The cupcakes are White Chocolate and Honeycomb...they smell yum (when they are not making my head swim and tummy turn...damn you tonics...damn you to hell). Mum is still here and has very helpfully volunteered to taste them with Elliott. The rest will be taken to a house warming i am going to on Sunday...and weel, Kelly might eat a few at rollerskating tomorrow (yes folks, the weekend is manic!).

For E's birthday i will be using these cupcakes (if they are yummy) and covering them with Green Ganache Icing, putting some carob coats honeycomb as boulders and a lil toy plastic dinosaur....mini edible prehistoric scenes!! I am a bit excited about it!

I also have to think of some for him to take to school as he will be there on his actual birthday...am wondering if mini lemon meringue cupcakes are too advanced for 5 year olds....i want to eat them...but can't...maybe i will make them for my birthday lol...cause i'll be able to eat them by then!

My tonics still messing with me today...habe to battle on and hope i feel better....as in the lead up to my busy weekend...we are going to the Museum this after noon, then out to dinner and then taking mum back to the train station so she can go home (sniff).

So, by monday...hopefully I will be feeling much better with my new tonics and be totally freaking exhausted from all my (rather out of character) socialising!