MIA

So, I have had a bit of a break for a week. Just to come to grips with all the stuff going through my head.

I made a few choices after seeing my different "people' I have seen my Chiro a few times, my Rheumatologist and I see my kinesiologist again tomorrow night. A full time schedule really lol.

I ordered the Progesterone Cream and have become a Neways consultant. I actually think that some of their products may help Elliott and the are all chemical free. So over the next few months I will try some out and if i really like them I might even give a bash at getting a client base after I come back from the UK.

After seeing my Rheumatologist and having a good chat. I have decided to restart the Heparin after I ovulate each month. She feels I have a very good chance at IVF working (well, no less then other healthy 35 year olds anyway). The fact that I have carried a bub to term and have no other complications (like PCOS)...means I am in the so called "good success" group. She feels very strongly that regardless of "how" i get pregnant, without the Heparin I have a very slim chance of carrying to term and having a live birth. So, instead of waiting till I find out if i am pregnant...I'll start on cycle day 16 again. May as well use the best of both worlds...eastern and western medicine working for me :-)

So right now, I am on cycle day 22 "ish" (am trying not to count lol). Using the progesterone cream (that smells quite herby lol) and the 2 injections a day. Again I had a bit of spotting but it stopped....so that could be a good sign. But I am a bit over signs lol...the months I am convinced the signs all point in the right direction I am usually wrong!

Am doing OK emotionally, a bit removed from life...trying to stay present but its not that easy. It's so easy to just tune out from things that are emotionally involved. It's easy to stay close and focussed on Elliott, just so easy to invest all my energy there. I worry some times that at this stage every month I pull away from my gorgeous husband. He see's right through me though, knows my pain and sometimes it is easier to just be around people that don't know. Strangers...who don't need to pity me. Strangers who are not lost for words or that notice when I flinch around pregnant women or new babies...the ones who don't watch my reactions...who are oblivious.

Anyways, my happy news for the week is about Elliott (yes, I know). Saturday, after a bit of confusion, he did his first Karate Grading and now is the very proud owner of a Orange Stripe belt!!! The change in his performance the last 2 classes (he went monday and tuesday this week as he will be away this weekend) has been amazing. It's like achieving that first goal has really inspired him. He has been more focused and I can see this being the first of many successes for my wonderful young man.

signing off for now....

Kinesiology

I've been trying really hard to come up with words to explain my session on Thursday night...and I am failing!!

First it was some talking and chatting and her initial observations...picked up the issues that Michael found and was unable to solve...so off to a good start.

Then...well...lots of things lol

She uses energy to sense what people need. So holds her hands over the different chakras and gets a feel for what is needed. Did some colour therapy (yellow and green for me) and then did some work on drawing the tension and past stress out of my body (sort of like gentle massage) in both my shoulders, back and feet.

She feels that I need my progesterone balanced...and has recommended a cream that i can use to help that.

She was very positive and I feel much more centered and in touch with my feminine energy. One of the most powerful things she said...was "there is nothing wrong with you, you know...just i case you were worried". These words touched me deeply, after so long of being told I am flawed...its so nice to hear from someone that I am OK.

At the end of the session I mentioned the Tantric work that both Mark and I have done and aspire to do in the future...and this is where it became clear that Marina is the right person for me. She said "oh, I am studying that...so I can be a practitioner" and we then discovered we knew some of the same people! One of my favourite Tantric courses that I have done was with one of her mentors .It really is a small world after all.

I feel like my description really does no justice to the session that we had. I feel like a lot of stress has been taken away...and although my goal is still to be pain free...in many ways my hope has been restored and I feel that maybe, once I am pain free...I can really do this baby making journey and make it really work for us.

the path to a passport

via every single office in melbourne! Its getting a bit tedious already!

So, yesterday morning I woke up feeling pretty good (chiro did wonders on Monday) so i decided to brave all the "name change" places...see i i could get it over and done with. So, after school drop off, I headed to VICROADS to do the 1st one...my license. I did expect this to be the painful one...but happily it was simple...and FREE! So, in and out of therein less then 15 minutes I decided next stop was a haircut and then my passport photo.

Made a detour via Medicare to do that one too. That will take about 2-3 weeks for my new card...so won't be here in time for my passport appointment...so then i had to add the bank on to my list of things to do!

So,then, haircut was easy (always so nice to have someone else wash my hair) and over and done nice and quick. Then...photo time. I decided to use Kmart (as that was where the post office sent me to get E's done cause it was too hard for them lol)...WRONG!

Got pic (after several tries) and decided to go and get it approved at the post office. 15 mins in a line..to be told it was not ok. Trekked back across to Kmart to get a refund...decided to go home, have lunch and face it again in the afternoon.

So, after lunch i decided I would go to both post office and the bank....oh the joy!

INto post office, line up for 15 mins...1st pic ...failed (could see my teeth) but because they use an old fashioned polaroid I had to wait again for 10 mins for them to take another pic....finally got one.

Off to the bank....more waiting....25 mins later...it was finally done!

So...after a day of waiting...waiting....frustration and more waiting...I now have more waiting for all my new cards to arrive!

I really should have done all this a year ago and then would not be concentrating all this frustration into a few days. However...then it would be too easy for me really!

I really want to get this passport thing over with and then I will really have all this behind me. I can just relax and enjoy all my holiday plans and run headlong through those custom gates and head to the UK!!

A break from the madness

has been called.

I have not given up all hope, but for now i just can not continue with the tonics and am bowing ungracefully out of the baby race.

It's hard to explain, I am still not going to go eat all crazy things or stop drinking my water. I'm still doing all the "healthy living stuff" but for now..I just have to give up on "trying".

But I have a new goal, I want to be pain free. I want to feel healthy again. I have had lower back pain for years...so constant thT i do not even really notice it..but I carry my body to compensate for it. I saw my Chrio on Friday and then again Saturday because him working on my lower back...irritated it to the point I am still hurting today. I will go back again tomorrow.

I do have in the back of my mind that maybe this lower back thing is why I am not pregnant (the naturopath has been bringing it up since day 1, but i thought as i was not in agony then it didn't matter). And well, maybe it will help. But, I think I have given up on it happening naturally and will just work towards good health so when i feel brave enough for IVF I will be fit and healthy...so they can mess me up again.

Mark is upset with me, but we have talked all that through. I am not giving up altogether, I just can not continue right now. I know why he is so sad, i feel it too. He has tried so hard and done so well sticking to his diet and taking all his tonics. He has tried so hard to support me (and done an amazing job especially this last month where i just totally fell apart) and been my rock when i needed him more then ever before. I do worry about loosing him, which on many levels I know I won't, but I also see how much he truely wants a child. He is a great dad to Elliott, in fact, right now they are painting together and having a ball, but he feels that pull for his own biological child. I totally understand and respect that desire and some how, when i am not so absorbed in my own devastation I have to find a way to help him grieve that child that may never be.

IVF is off until after we get back from the UK, I will still have my prelim appointments in the next few weeks...sort of finalise all that. I also need to have a scan to find out why my poor body has been bleeding so much. Maybe a new set of eyes will find something new. Maybe not, maybe i am just broken beyond repair. However, August is off the cards for me and it may take longer then October for me to come to grips with it.

I feel like I should change the focus of this blog for a while...I will just have to see how it goes and whether I can continue it while trying to let go of my dreams of a baby in the short term. I'll have to dribble on about my travel plans and gorgeous family for a while...i guess my smile won't change...and for a long time there will still be some clenching of teeth to get me through those days that I have to smile and laugh..or the tears will show and I don't know if they will ever go away.

Ciao for now, I will be back...

No words...

plenty of tears though.

Basically ...no improvement... my maturopath is joining the ranks of people "who just don't know"...and I am not happy.

I have been given one last concoction and been recommended to see a Kinesiologist...I am digesting this and deciding what to do,

I feel I am at a point of possibly just wasting my time. Do i give up on this whole thing? Do i just give up and do IVF? Do i keep on going with the awful tonics...I have invested 12 weeks...should i give it another 3...but where does it end? Will I still be stuck in this awful limbo in a years time?

I feel lost, I feel isolated and i feel constantly misunderstood. I am exhausted by my journey but i don't feel ready to quit.

This really is a cruel thing to go through....I hope i can find some more strength cause i feel like mine has all be used.

So, I have been sulking

and that is never pretty!

AF did not manage to get into full swing...so I am on day 9 of spotting...so on Friday I called my naturopath..who seemed totally unconcerned...god he shits me sometimes. I see him again on Wednesday....and I tell you now there had better be some god damn good news.

Mark saw him last week...and is "as cured as he can be"...so no more vomit tonics for him...just lucky old me.

On happy news (yes, I have managed to stop sulking long enough to have some happy days) it was Mark and my 1st year wedding anniversary and it was lovely. I feel so lucky, and can genuinely say its my best year of marriage ever! As we got married by the beach we decided to drive down to Portsea, go for a walk and then have lunch in the Portsea Hotel....such a relaxing day. E was visiting his bio dad for 2 nights (a rare occurrence) so we also had 2 well loved sleep in's!

So, a nice quiet week this week...trying to get P!NK tickets tomorrow....I saw her a few years ago bot would love to see the new show....and have convinced Mark that its my birthday present from him!!

Also, our trip to England firming up..should be confirmed by the end of the week!

Not happy

not happy at all.....no guesses why...

AF on CD24...rediculous

Busy ...busy...

planning planning!

Have been having heaps of fun plotting my Uk adventure. There are so many places I want to take Mark too! Mainly curry houses lol....there are 3 main ones.....The passage to India (Bracknell), The Standard (Reading) and the Tigers Pad (ascot)....all are amazing....maybe even Brick Lane in London...but we'll see! Also, he really needs to experience some true pub meals...and there is no better place then the Uk for that!

I am hanging for a packet sandwich and a Waitrose dessert...or even a curry (are you sensing a theme to my trip). I think my entire UK trip will be about food...I will definitely be getting my heathrow 5!

Legoland will be out other must do and also down to the New Forest ... both places I have not been before!


And then there will be heaps of stuff with Elliott's extended family. So my EX inlaws...who happily I get along with pretty well and I will be excited to see them all. My SIL is kindly giving up her house for the few weeks we are there....so we'll have a "home" of our own and that will make anything else tolerable!

ON my other news...I still dry retch when I take my terrible tonics. But the sickness only lasts an hour or so and can be lessoned with some nice stodgey food...my favourite was honey on Bread...but I have changed that to Mark's left over birthday cake...might have to bake another one tomorrow!

However...it is very much looking like good news. I am so convinced that I have had implantation bleeding and just can not wait to do a test and get a bfp. I am a little scared that I am wrong...but I am so full of hope and excited! This could be it...or i could be in for a massive fall...place your bets....its all or nothing!