Bit of a shock

Today, at our pre IVF paperwork session we found out that our new RE had run a new test with the banked sperm. It turns out that Dh has antisperm antibodies...with 96% of his sperm...and i am struggling to comprehend it.

We have had 3 previous tests...and they never tested for it..just tested morph, motility and numbers...With each IUI...they never tested for it....and they should have.

So, we've wasted 3 rounds of IUI...and $2000 on naturopath tonics....not to mention the last 6 months hoping it would happen naturally with the naturopath

and...had I not insisted on freezing sperm pre IVF...it would never have been tested....meaning IVF day would have ended up a mess.

I am so confused....how could they not have tesetd this earlier? I think of all the heartbreak over the last 14 months since we started treatments that could have been avoided by a simple test.

I am glad they still have 4% to work with...but seriously this could have stuffed us as the plan was to do 3/4 eggs in trad IVF...and only 1/4 ICSI....now we are doing all ICSI...

I can't wait to start next week...but this has thrown me for a loop....i feel let down by the system. Antisperm antibodies is nothing to do with health...its about there being some sort of accident in Mark's past that meant sperm got into his blood stream and blood got into the sperm production ducts...some thing we have never been asked about.

Nothing we can do about it now...except move forward and get out baby the IVF way.

Change of plans.....

IVF starts next week....

I am expecting AF to arrive on Monday...meaning Nasal spray starts Tuesday and injections on Wednesday. My first scan will be Tuesday 11th August....after my weekend away on the Central Coast.

No more waiting...which is great...to be honest ...I can't wait!

The results are in...again

Well, the 2nd sperm bank run went just fine. Seriously, tell Elliott he can have brekky on the lounge with a movie and he does not move lol....at least i know I have some currency on him!

I was even back out to my play date...early! I must give absolute credit to the transit lanes on the Eastern...I swear using them takes at least 20 mins off my journey and it is rather nice gliding past all the cars with only 1 person inside that are banked up! The answer...more people should car pool!

So, I called at 5pm for the results and they are the same as last time. Great numbers, low motility. They got another 3 straws of sperm...so we have plenty to play with.

The sperm bank lady was quite chatty and actually told me that the morphology report on our first sample was back...and we have 90% abnormal sperm....this is not great...but keeping in mind that it is quite normal to have up to 85% abnormal it's not too bad. She did go on to say...that she thought our Fert DR would opt for ICSI only...and not 1/2 normal, 1/2 ICSI as planned.

I am very much at peace with moving on to IVF now, where i certainly wasn't 4 months ago. I actually wish i could start next cycle...just get this show on the road. But, I do agree that waiting till after England is the best idea. But really, it feels as if we have been waiting for this baby forever. This month actually marks the 2 years of TTC...and oh what a journey it has been.

Meanwhile, I have had a bit of day 16 spotting...dare I hope to be pregnant...of course i do lol. I am also exhausted...but that might be because of my busy busy dreams i keep having. Obviously, my mind trying to process all the travel I'll be doing in the next few months as I am having those lost passport/lost luggage/late for planes dreams....oh the fun!

I am a contradiction some days...but oh well, them's the TTC breaks!

The juggling act...

So, things are getting hectic and i managed to double book myself on Tuesday morning..

it is not possible for me to be at the sperm bank and Kinesiology at the same time..no matter how clever i am.

So a quick phone call later at we are off to the sperm bank on Friday...this clashes with a playdate...but that i can be a little bit late too lol

Right...back to the hourework

The mother of all lies

Being a mother, we are supposed to be super heros. And, in may cases we perpetrate this crazy myth ourselves.

We are supposed to be all and everything to our kids. Our houses are supposed to be immaculate. We are supposed to be the perfect housewife in the house and the perfect lover in the bedroom. We are supposed to be on committees at school, hold down jobs and in some cases study as well...

it sounds like a damn lot of work...but we are supposed to do it with a smile...and say we love it!!

Now, I can do about 50% of this at any one time. If I try and do it all...I turn into a grumpy pyscho and every thing is done in a half arsed way.

For so long I have listened (or read) about the women who claim to do it all. And I am now standing tall and saying...umm, excuse me...that is bollocks!

I see the ones who claim to have perfect houses...and sadly their kids don't get nearly enough attention...or their husbands. I see the ones who have loads of time with the kids...and their houses are a mess...or worse...they have no relationship with their husband.

So..after a lovely walk in the park with a good friend...it was a relief to say "i am soooo out of control with the housework".

Because the truth is...i can't and don't want to do it all. I want to put the "people" first. I want to focus on my child and my husband. And everything else comes second. I do the essentials..we always have food on the table and usually have clean clothes (well sometimes they are plucked straight out of the clean basket and quickly ironed...or given a shake and hope they look nice). But, i seem to be able only to get one set of jobs done at a time...i can keep the kitchen clean or the bathroom or the floors or the washing...but to this day I have not found the universe where it all happens on the day.

My house is not a disgrace...but it's far fro the show homes you see on tv. TV does us no favours...they have housekeepers and babysitters....but...it's also FICTION!! The generations gone by talk of ALWAYS having the perfect house...and I do wonder if that is fiction also. But then, quality time spent with family was also lower down the importance ladder too, and I wonder if it would be easier with more extended family in the picture...with sisters, mother, cousins and aunts helping us. Sadly, as we have drifted further away from our families (geographically or emotionally) this help rarely exists today. I also wonder if the fact we have smaller families makes it harder...as we don't have all the extra helping hands...the older kids to look after the younger, the excess of siblings to help us out.

So right now, I have sent my husband and child off ...with instructions to be at least an hour. Why? Am i running around like a maniac cleaning? Am i cooking up a master piece for dinner?

NOPE!

I am doing the one thing I forgot to mention...I am having ME time. I am watching the masterchef i taped on Friday night so I can be ready for the finale tonight! Because...at the end of the day...mum's need their own time. To relax, to do nothing and be responsible for no one. It is blissful, this little piece of silence. For once, my coffee won't go cold, I won't have to jump up and do a dozen things. I can sit, and enjoy and remember what it is like to be a human...and not a superhero...even if it is just for an hour!

Results are in...

so, i had the anxious overnight wait to see what the results were from the Sperm Bank...

and....

they got 3 straws!

To give an indication....they use about 1/2 - 1 straw per fresh IVF.

There were excellent numbers...but low motility (meaning lots of them would prefer to swim in circles then in a nice straight line). I had a chat to the nurse and she thinks that they would be perfect for ICSI (where they inject the sperm into the egg) but not so sure about traditional IVF (where they just stick the eggs in a dish with the sperm and let them fight it out).

For a while we had Mark taking Selenium which is great for sperm motility so i'll go grab some more of that today...just incase it helps. Also, the boys we took in yesterday had been growing for 4 days...meaning in sperm terms they were a bit old. So, because this is ovulation weekend for me...the boys on tuesday will only be 2 days...it can make a massive difference so we will see if the results that day are better!

So, we have to do another dash in on Tuesday morning....more fun and games. Have not got my plan totally sorted in my head yet...but, as always...we will find an interesting solution!

The sperm bank dash...be warned way TMI about to be shared!

Due to Mark being started on new medication that has been proven to effect the quality of his boys...we have decided (and been supported by) our RE to get some sperm stored....yet another new experience for us...we are so lucky...

so yesterday, after seeing the RE off to the sperm bank we go. Now, it is not as easy as just dropping in...we needed to make an appointment time in which to drop off our sample...more "expert timing" required...just fantastic! So we made our appointment for this morning and headed home...hoping to have an hour to relax before going to get Elliott from school.

This is where the TMI comes in...cover your eyes kids! They now let you get your sample the couple way...not solo. To us this was a yippee...in some way it feels as if we can still have a baby by making love. Still not romantic and old fashioned...but more so then Mark having to get the sample solo.

However...as we got 5 mins from home...the phone rings...who was it...the school nurse! ANd when a school nurse starts a conversation with "don't worry, he doesn't need stitches" the news is going to be bad. SO without listening to another word i told Mark to turn the car for school...and then went back to my conversation.

It seems my darling son, on his first day back at school for Term 3...decided to take on a pole in a duel...the pole is still standing...Elliott did not fare as well. He got knocked down, he jarred his jaw...he got a massive blood nose. So, home we came...for an hour...before he threw up...so off to A&E we went. They were great...took us right in...and checked him over. He has a mild concussion...his jaw will be sore for a few days...but other then that all is OK..phew...home again, home again jiggety jig.

So that then left us with a tricky problem...how do we get our sample...and into the city...with Elliott in tow...Mark has had 3 days off work and had to go back today....so a bit of planning and we came up with a solution...well, the best we could do anyway.

So..before E went to bed I told him he would have a special treat in the morning...that he could have his brekky in the downstairs lounge room with a DVD. I stressed that I had to help Mark with a special test...and that he had to stay put lol. Not my finest hour...but hey...means to an end!

This morning went off perfectly! E thought he was as lucky as...i got everything packed into the car before i turned his movie on. So...then we made with the romance (oh the irony) and collected the "sample"...then off we go once again with me carrying Mark's boys in my bra.

I always imagine what it would be like to be pulled over or in an accident on my way to th sperm drop off (i did it 3 times with IUI). I do stick to the speed limit...but you know...it plays on my mind. I wonder if the cops would take sympathy if I begged for leniency because I was trying my hardest to save the sperm lol

I made it from home to the lab in under an hour...and 10 mins later E and I were back on the street and ready to head home...

and to think...I have all this to do again on Tuesday....isn't infertility fun and exciting!

To add to the excitement...I now have the wait...to see haw many straws they can get...waiting waiting waiting...I should be good at this by now...but i'm not ;-)

The butcher, the baker the candle stick maker...

and every other person in Melbourne seems to now be involved in me getting pregnant...and fitting them all in to my schedule is just hard!

So, in the last week I have seen my Kinesiologist, my Naturopath, my Rheumatologist and my Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doc for short)!

So lets do a little summary of what they all have to say!

So, Marina, the Kinesiologist.....she can see improvement. I saw her on the same day I saw my chiro and well, lets just say i was still a little emotional but that was good as there were no layers to work through! So...other then draining my stress and testing all my medications to see what is working and what isn't. I have changed my dosages a little....but things look good. She also tested my availability to be pregnant....and it came back as 100%...we both had a good giggle. I felt much less stressed after seeing her and I have found it much easier to deal with people's "helpfull but thoughtless" comments since seeing her.

The Naturopath - well, after last time I went in ready to fight to the bitter death lol. However...the blood bath was avoided...because...wait for it....I HAVE IMPROVED!!! dramatic improvement in my uterus and my ovaries...and his prognosis is that a few more weeks of Chiro....and I should be good to go...namely...that means now! I have started on the Capsela (the last bottle of tonic) and Michael thinks that this will definately settle the crazy periods i have been having...

ok, who was next? That's right...my girl crush Dr Bendrups lol

The Rheumatologist - she is happy with my progress. Nothing much has changed. She is very supportive for IVF to start. She has been in touch with Dr Toledo and they have a great IVF plan for me.

The Fertility Doc - well this was a big one this month. As my cycle has been insane (spotting from cd 20...then that continuing through till day 28...the af starts and goes to day 6..eekkk) so we had to do an internal scan. I should have been on CD 7...however...she has said I am on about CD10...meaning that last month i had a really short cycle...or the spotting has been messing up my counting. Good news again is that all is looking wonderful....nice healthy uterus and ovaries. And she wants me to start pee testing my O surge again.... SO, she is happy to wait till we get back from the UK....and has made us an appointment for the day after we land...and as soon as i get Day ! after that...IVF starts!!

Am i being heard or being part of the herd?

Learning how to speak my truth is something I have been working on for ages. Learning how to speak my truth so that others hear me is something I think I will have to work on forever.

There is a big difference these days between speaking up and being heard. I often speak up, but now seriously wonder how many times my message gets through.

People are so "set on being right" that often then just don't listen to what those around them say. If anyone objects (even politely) they are quick to jump on them and defend their statements rather then listen. Someone disagreeing does not mean they don't like you, it does not mean they think you are stupid. Listening to others is a rare skill and such a valuable one.

I have been guilty of talking first and listening later before. I think it's human. For me, i want to learn to listen more...and really hear what people are saying. This journey through ttc has really opened my eyes to how little people listen. And in fact, i have turned this objection i have to others onto myself and realised that although i do listen to others...there are times I could do much better then I do.

Sometimes, no matter how well or how clearly we communicate..it really relies on our audience to what happens next. Learning not to care would be a great thing as well...but I do care.

This was highlighted to me by my chiropractor. Someone who I am starting to view also as a friend. In past sessions he has spoken of this "one off case" of someone stopping IVF and then suddenly getting pregnant...he has told me the same story several times. He is also one of the people who say "i just want you to relax" he says this of course after giving me a laundry list of things that are "wrong"with me....

finally I spoke up...I said "please stop, you have said the relax thing so many times and I actually find it borderline offensive"

he stopped...and said the normal response "i was trying to help"

and my voice came true and did not desert me....and i found the words i have been longing to say

" I am sick of people blaming me for not being pregnant. People say don't stress like its not a big deal....don't worry this is nothing...well, I;ve been doing this for 2 years and it is a big deal. You may as well tell me to stop breathing, I would be about as successful at stopping thinking about ttc. I have people telling me all I do wrong, I have done everything that I have been told, I have changed my diet and my life. I am sick people effectively saying "if you could just get your emotions under control you could be pregnant like everyone else". I have tried in so many ways to ask for help and support, but I am so sick of people just turning it back on me and not being supportive...just saying "don't stress" because its not supportive....it just makes me wish I had never opened my mouth"

and I am happy to say, for the first time in a long time...someone heard me. And he was not angry or defensive...he heard my pain and was sorry. He asked me questions....so he made sure he really understood.

and I did say that I knew he (and others) were trying to help, and that it did not come from a place of malice....but it just did not change the message being sent. I understand it being offered to someone who had only been trying for a few months....but once your past the 12 month mark....it becomes something that burns your ears and heart.

He could see my exhaustion at having to explain myself. He could see my sincerity. He could see how much I needed to be heard and have my journey respected and not dismissed.

I cried so much when I got home, almost out of joy. To have someone finally hear me, it also bought back all those feelings of frustration when people have not heard me...have gotten angry at me for daring say anything against their "all knowing advice".

So next time, before you extend some useless cliche to a friend in pain....listen to them. Don't ask of them more then they can humanly do. To be heard and appreciated is all that most people long for...and in our quick fix/fast paced/one size fits all society...this is not happening nearly enough. Don't dismiss people's pain...don't ignore them...don't just say the first simple fix that comes into your head so you feel better...listen to them...ask them questions...don't feel the need to HAVE the answer...sometimes all they want/need is a hug or some sympathy. Don't rush to give a quick answer so you can say what ever you wanted to say about yourself. Sometimes there is no answers...sometimes there will be answers but you don't know them. Don't be afraid to say you don't know, don't be afraid if they get upset with the cliche's being offered....this person has chosen to talk to you, trust you with their pain, if they did not like you they would not have opened up.chose to see your friend. Listen without fear or bias and you will be amazed with the response...and this gift will come back to you many times over.

Walk with love...love listens.

2010....my plan for me

Well, its time to start broadening my horizons. I need to have fun things for me to look forward to, things that do not rely on conception.

The simple answer ... go and get a job...

however, this for me I don't think will work. My issue is that I want to be around for Elliott. I don't want him being in after school care and holiday programs...I want to be around for him and I can not see that he will stop needing me just because he is at school...even in highschool I want to be around for him.

So, could I do what many do and get jobs during term time and then quit??? Quite simply..no! My years as a recruitment consultant have made me understand just how hard this is for employers to deal with and I just could not do that in good conscience.

So, what I have realised is the only job i can really commit to is in a school. That then gives me options...of teaching or support staff..or admin staff....

and I have decided that I think I could be a pretty good teacher.

But more specifically...a Food Technology Teacher.

I initially thought about doing primary teaching but i don't think I have the right personality for that. I would worry that if i got one kid in my class that i really did not like I would be stuffed lol. At least with secondary teaching you have short stints with lots of different kids...

and specialising in food tech will be amazing. With my current regime for Elliott and all the knowledge I have acquired with him...plus my foray into the world of natural eating ... and my love of cooking....I feel like this could be the perfect choice of career that i could do until retirement.

So, that means...I am headed back to uni!!

I have an open night to go to on the 3rd August at RMIT. WHat i need to do is a Bach Science (applied Science) and then do a grad dip in teaching. It's going to take 5 years all up (first 2 years part time, then next 3 full time)...but at the end I will be able to get a job I can commit to and still feel I am being the parent I feel Elliott deserves.

I did want to go back to uni and do pysch, as I feel I would make a great psychologist/counsellor...however, my problem with that is being about to commit to work after uni finishes. As i have mentioned, I do not feel OK with Elliott being left alone/ in care during school holidays...so as much as i think that career would suit my personality maybe slightly better....my career has to suit my whole life....

I have a plan...I really hope the open night goes well and I stay this enthused as this is the firat plan I have been truely excited about for ages.

School Holidays!!

Yippeee!

I love school holidays and these ones have been pretty realxing so far. Elliott's new habit of coming in and saying good morning and then leaving me in bed to sleep while he goes and plays is simply wonderful. This habit can STAY lol

We've also been reading lots and lots and lots lol and the improvement is amazing. Our new daily routine is....reading comes first, every morning. So after he has his play time we do our reading before brekky, before tv...before i get out of bed lol! The reading folder that we made is perfect, god bless Marks' ability to make things on the computer :-) Checking the books off each day is really helping both of us. It keeps it nice and focused and motivated too. For each sheet he finishes (30 books) he gets a toy (ben 10 atm).

It is such an amazing thing to hear the improvement. I know the ones school sends home are only about 10 pages...but he is easily getting through 30-40 pages per day. So our "home folder" will continue throughout the school term, on the days he does not get a school reader.

As for other things, we have been bushwalking, to the park, to see Ice Age 3, had a board game day and of course some play time and a few movies on the lounge. The really simple pleasures this time...of course, next holidays I am off to England...so quiet this time is perfect.