Smiling Through Clenched Teeth

ahhh...the med's have started!

2009-08-05T13:49:00.002+10:00

Things this morning went really smoothly...yippee for that.

As luck (??) would have it one of my friends also needed to go into the city this morning so we got to travel in together and at least make the journey a catch up as well as the "must do". We dropped E at school (on time and everything lol) and then off we went.

I must say, at this stage, how much i love the transit lanes on the Eastern...they really do make the journey quicker!

Anyway..in...park at my sneaky spot in the Macca's car park...across the road and into the chemist...yippeee...my drugs there and ready!

Off to wait for the nurse...they were great and I only had to wait 5 minutes. Th nurse was good (had crazy makeup though...wayyyyyy too much lol) and i have all the info I need. We did my first nasal spray together...and i hated it! I would prefer extra needles to be honest...but when compared to the naturopath tonics they are not too bad!

So....my program is....

nasal spray 2 times each day...12 hours apart from now till they say stop.
tomorrow i start on 150IU of puregon each day.

I do this until my 1st scan which is on Tuesday 11th August.

I'll get told what changes to make on that day...and will be given a better indication of when Egg Collection will be

After that it was upstairs to make my scan appointment. My doc will be away (eekkk) but i will be meeting the doc who will be doing my collection and transfer on Tuesday when she does my scan. I hope she is nice...they promise me she is....so fingers crossed.

The start is rocky...hopefully smooth sailing from here!

2009-08-04T18:43:00.001+10:00

So, I waited till 2.30 for my call back from the nurse to go through my cycle and confirm my med pick up...no call...

left a 2nd message...waited till 4.45 ...no call....

called again...and spoke to the receptionist...she tried to put me through...call got bounced back....

she wanted to leave it till tomorrow...i said no...i have to start med's tomorrow, so i need to make sure my med's will be at ringwood in the morning....

on hold...she came back..again tried to fob me off....

i refused...said i was not getting off the phone until i spoke with a nurse...more hold...another attempted fob off...this time i asked for a manager (glad i had my calm head on lol)....

so finally through to the manager of the IVF nurses...it was all very confusing because they had only half done my record...so i was on phone with her for about 20 mins trying to get it all fixed up...she actually thanked me for being so persistent as it stopped a mess up on their behalf!

anyway...left that conversation with agreeing to go to ringwood at 2pm tomorrow to get my med's and learn how to use the nasal spray.

20 mins later she rings me back...because my med's were not ordered in time...they can not get them to ringwood in time...so i have to drive into the city (grrrr....this means a 2 hour round trip..instead of a 30 min one) and collect them at 9.30 am...

she did appologise...a lot....and said that she would investigate...

i am so glad i knew enough to push it....i would have been freaking out...and for good reason had i took the receptionists advice and just "worry about it tomorrow".

i hope all goes smoother from here!

It's CD1!!!! IVF has begun

2009-08-04T12:38:00.002+10:00

So AF has arrived...and the calls have been made....IVF has begun.

Slight crisis with money...because our funds were in our mortgage offset account...and it take 2 days to get transfered...and we have to pay up front...or no cycle. So a lil bit of stress and some phone calls later...my wonderful sister paid the $5300 for us and we can pay her back on Thursday when our money comes in.

I must admit to being a bit stressed about money...so much going out and not enough coming back in. I almost feel paralyzed with what to do. I am sort of kicking myself for going to the Uk in September....I wish now, in hindisight...we had not done it. However, that said...assuming this works...it would have meant we would not be going for at least another 5 years....argghhh the balance.

So, at the moment...we are looking at ways to scrimp and save so we don't go broke lol. We are used to having a nice buffer in the bank...right now the buffer is gone. So...we'll be getting some stuff onto Ebay...and cutting back in all areas that we can. It's hard...because we don't live it large...we rarely eat out, going to the movies is something we do once every 3 or 4 months, we don't have cable TV, we don't have fancy clothes and i spend very little on new things for Elliott....so i don't even know where to cut back...but we will find somewhere!

Anyway...i am waiting to hear from the nurse so i can really get going. I should be picking up my meds tomorrow...and will have my full schedule this afternoon!

Bit of a shock

2009-07-28T16:42:00.002+10:00

Today, at our pre IVF paperwork session we found out that our new RE had run a new test with the banked sperm. It turns out that Dh has antisperm antibodies...with 96% of his sperm...and i am struggling to comprehend it.

We have had 3 previous tests...and they never tested for it..just tested morph, motility and numbers...With each IUI...they never tested for it....and they should have.

So, we've wasted 3 rounds of IUI...and $2000 on naturopath tonics....not to mention the last 6 months hoping it would happen naturally with the naturopath

and...had I not insisted on freezing sperm pre IVF...it would never have been tested....meaning IVF day would have ended up a mess.

I am so confused....how could they not have tesetd this earlier? I think of all the heartbreak over the last 14 months since we started treatments that could have been avoided by a simple test.

I am glad they still have 4% to work with...but seriously this could have stuffed us as the plan was to do 3/4 eggs in trad IVF...and only 1/4 ICSI....now we are doing all ICSI...

I can't wait to start next week...but this has thrown me for a loop....i feel let down by the system. Antisperm antibodies is nothing to do with health...its about there being some sort of accident in Mark's past that meant sperm got into his blood stream and blood got into the sperm production ducts...some thing we have never been asked about.

Nothing we can do about it now...except move forward and get out baby the IVF way.

Change of plans.....

2009-07-28T16:39:00.002+10:00

IVF starts next week....

I am expecting AF to arrive on Monday...meaning Nasal spray starts Tuesday and injections on Wednesday. My first scan will be Tuesday 11th August....after my weekend away on the Central Coast.

No more waiting...which is great...to be honest ...I can't wait!

The results are in...again

2009-07-25T13:05:00.003+10:00

Well, the 2nd sperm bank run went just fine. Seriously, tell Elliott he can have brekky on the lounge with a movie and he does not move lol....at least i know I have some currency on him!

I was even back out to my play date...early! I must give absolute credit to the transit lanes on the Eastern...I swear using them takes at least 20 mins off my journey and it is rather nice gliding past all the cars with only 1 person inside that are banked up! The answer...more people should car pool!

So, I called at 5pm for the results and they are the same as last time. Great numbers, low motility. They got another 3 straws of sperm...so we have plenty to play with.

The sperm bank lady was quite chatty and actually told me that the morphology report on our first sample was back...and we have 90% abnormal sperm....this is not great...but keeping in mind that it is quite normal to have up to 85% abnormal it's not too bad. She did go on to say...that she thought our Fert DR would opt for ICSI only...and not 1/2 normal, 1/2 ICSI as planned.

I am very much at peace with moving on to IVF now, where i certainly wasn't 4 months ago. I actually wish i could start next cycle...just get this show on the road. But, I do agree that waiting till after England is the best idea. But really, it feels as if we have been waiting for this baby forever. This month actually marks the 2 years of TTC...and oh what a journey it has been.

Meanwhile, I have had a bit of day 16 spotting...dare I hope to be pregnant...of course i do lol. I am also exhausted...but that might be because of my busy busy dreams i keep having. Obviously, my mind trying to process all the travel I'll be doing in the next few months as I am having those lost passport/lost luggage/late for planes dreams....oh the fun!

I am a contradiction some days...but oh well, them's the TTC breaks!

The juggling act...

2009-07-20T10:56:00.002+10:00

So, things are getting hectic and i managed to double book myself on Tuesday morning..

it is not possible for me to be at the sperm bank and Kinesiology at the same time..no matter how clever i am.

So a quick phone call later at we are off to the sperm bank on Friday...this clashes with a playdate...but that i can be a little bit late too lol

Right...back to the hourework

The mother of all lies

2009-07-19T11:40:00.003+10:00

Being a mother, we are supposed to be super heros. And, in may cases we perpetrate this crazy myth ourselves.

We are supposed to be all and everything to our kids. Our houses are supposed to be immaculate. We are supposed to be the perfect housewife in the house and the perfect lover in the bedroom. We are supposed to be on committees at school, hold down jobs and in some cases study as well...

it sounds like a damn lot of work...but we are supposed to do it with a smile...and say we love it!!

Now, I can do about 50% of this at any one time. If I try and do it all...I turn into a grumpy pyscho and every thing is done in a half arsed way.

For so long I have listened (or read) about the women who claim to do it all. And I am now standing tall and saying...umm, excuse me...that is bollocks!

I see the ones who claim to have perfect houses...and sadly their kids don't get nearly enough attention...or their husbands. I see the ones who have loads of time with the kids...and their houses are a mess...or worse...they have no relationship with their husband.

So..after a lovely walk in the park with a good friend...it was a relief to say "i am soooo out of control with the housework".

Because the truth is...i can't and don't want to do it all. I want to put the "people" first. I want to focus on my child and my husband. And everything else comes second. I do the essentials..we always have food on the table and usually have clean clothes (well sometimes they are plucked straight out of the clean basket and quickly ironed...or given a shake and hope they look nice). But, i seem to be able only to get one set of jobs done at a time...i can keep the kitchen clean or the bathroom or the floors or the washing...but to this day I have not found the universe where it all happens on the day.

My house is not a disgrace...but it's far fro the show homes you see on tv. TV does us no favours...they have housekeepers and babysitters....but...it's also FICTION!! The generations gone by talk of ALWAYS having the perfect house...and I do wonder if that is fiction also. But then, quality time spent with family was also lower down the importance ladder too, and I wonder if it would be easier with more extended family in the picture...with sisters, mother, cousins and aunts helping us. Sadly, as we have drifted further away from our families (geographically or emotionally) this help rarely exists today. I also wonder if the fact we have smaller families makes it harder...as we don't have all the extra helping hands...the older kids to look after the younger, the excess of siblings to help us out.

So right now, I have sent my husband and child off ...with instructions to be at least an hour. Why? Am i running around like a maniac cleaning? Am i cooking up a master piece for dinner?

NOPE!

I am doing the one thing I forgot to mention...I am having ME time. I am watching the masterchef i taped on Friday night so I can be ready for the finale tonight! Because...at the end of the day...mum's need their own time. To relax, to do nothing and be responsible for no one. It is blissful, this little piece of silence. For once, my coffee won't go cold, I won't have to jump up and do a dozen things. I can sit, and enjoy and remember what it is like to be a human...and not a superhero...even if it is just for an hour!

Results are in...

2009-07-16T09:28:00.002+10:00

so, i had the anxious overnight wait to see what the results were from the Sperm Bank...

and....

they got 3 straws!

To give an indication....they use about 1/2 - 1 straw per fresh IVF.

There were excellent numbers...but low motility (meaning lots of them would prefer to swim in circles then in a nice straight line). I had a chat to the nurse and she thinks that they would be perfect for ICSI (where they inject the sperm into the egg) but not so sure about traditional IVF (where they just stick the eggs in a dish with the sperm and let them fight it out).

For a while we had Mark taking Selenium which is great for sperm motility so i'll go grab some more of that today...just incase it helps. Also, the boys we took in yesterday had been growing for 4 days...meaning in sperm terms they were a bit old. So, because this is ovulation weekend for me...the boys on tuesday will only be 2 days...it can make a massive difference so we will see if the results that day are better!

So, we have to do another dash in on Tuesday morning....more fun and games. Have not got my plan totally sorted in my head yet...but, as always...we will find an interesting solution!

The sperm bank dash...be warned way TMI about to be shared!

2009-07-15T12:10:00.003+10:00

Due to Mark being started on new medication that has been proven to effect the quality of his boys...we have decided (and been supported by) our RE to get some sperm stored....yet another new experience for us...we are so lucky...

so yesterday, after seeing the RE off to the sperm bank we go. Now, it is not as easy as just dropping in...we needed to make an appointment time in which to drop off our sample...more "expert timing" required...just fantastic! So we made our appointment for this morning and headed home...hoping to have an hour to relax before going to get Elliott from school.

This is where the TMI comes in...cover your eyes kids! They now let you get your sample the couple way...not solo. To us this was a yippee...in some way it feels as if we can still have a baby by making love. Still not romantic and old fashioned...but more so then Mark having to get the sample solo.

However...as we got 5 mins from home...the phone rings...who was it...the school nurse! ANd when a school nurse starts a conversation with "don't worry, he doesn't need stitches" the news is going to be bad. SO without listening to another word i told Mark to turn the car for school...and then went back to my conversation.

It seems my darling son, on his first day back at school for Term 3...decided to take on a pole in a duel...the pole is still standing...Elliott did not fare as well. He got knocked down, he jarred his jaw...he got a massive blood nose. So, home we came...for an hour...before he threw up...so off to A&E we went. They were great...took us right in...and checked him over. He has a mild concussion...his jaw will be sore for a few days...but other then that all is OK..phew...home again, home again jiggety jig.

So that then left us with a tricky problem...how do we get our sample...and into the city...with Elliott in tow...Mark has had 3 days off work and had to go back today....so a bit of planning and we came up with a solution...well, the best we could do anyway.

So..before E went to bed I told him he would have a special treat in the morning...that he could have his brekky in the downstairs lounge room with a DVD. I stressed that I had to help Mark with a special test...and that he had to stay put lol. Not my finest hour...but hey...means to an end!

This morning went off perfectly! E thought he was as lucky as...i got everything packed into the car before i turned his movie on. So...then we made with the romance (oh the irony) and collected the "sample"...then off we go once again with me carrying Mark's boys in my bra.

I always imagine what it would be like to be pulled over or in an accident on my way to th sperm drop off (i did it 3 times with IUI). I do stick to the speed limit...but you know...it plays on my mind. I wonder if the cops would take sympathy if I begged for leniency because I was trying my hardest to save the sperm lol

I made it from home to the lab in under an hour...and 10 mins later E and I were back on the street and ready to head home...

and to think...I have all this to do again on Tuesday....isn't infertility fun and exciting!

To add to the excitement...I now have the wait...to see haw many straws they can get...waiting waiting waiting...I should be good at this by now...but i'm not ;-)

The butcher, the baker the candle stick maker...

2009-07-15T11:54:00.004+10:00

and every other person in Melbourne seems to now be involved in me getting pregnant...and fitting them all in to my schedule is just hard!

So, in the last week I have seen my Kinesiologist, my Naturopath, my Rheumatologist and my Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doc for short)!

So lets do a little summary of what they all have to say!

So, Marina, the Kinesiologist.....she can see improvement. I saw her on the same day I saw my chiro and well, lets just say i was still a little emotional but that was good as there were no layers to work through! So...other then draining my stress and testing all my medications to see what is working and what isn't. I have changed my dosages a little....but things look good. She also tested my availability to be pregnant....and it came back as 100%...we both had a good giggle. I felt much less stressed after seeing her and I have found it much easier to deal with people's "helpfull but thoughtless" comments since seeing her.

The Naturopath - well, after last time I went in ready to fight to the bitter death lol. However...the blood bath was avoided...because...wait for it....I HAVE IMPROVED!!! dramatic improvement in my uterus and my ovaries...and his prognosis is that a few more weeks of Chiro....and I should be good to go...namely...that means now! I have started on the Capsela (the last bottle of tonic) and Michael thinks that this will definately settle the crazy periods i have been having...

ok, who was next? That's right...my girl crush Dr Bendrups lol

The Rheumatologist - she is happy with my progress. Nothing much has changed. She is very supportive for IVF to start. She has been in touch with Dr Toledo and they have a great IVF plan for me.

The Fertility Doc - well this was a big one this month. As my cycle has been insane (spotting from cd 20...then that continuing through till day 28...the af starts and goes to day 6..eekkk) so we had to do an internal scan. I should have been on CD 7...however...she has said I am on about CD10...meaning that last month i had a really short cycle...or the spotting has been messing up my counting. Good news again is that all is looking wonderful....nice healthy uterus and ovaries. And she wants me to start pee testing my O surge again.... SO, she is happy to wait till we get back from the UK....and has made us an appointment for the day after we land...and as soon as i get Day ! after that...IVF starts!!

Am i being heard or being part of the herd?

2009-07-07T11:58:00.002+10:00

Learning how to speak my truth is something I have been working on for ages. Learning how to speak my truth so that others hear me is something I think I will have to work on forever.

There is a big difference these days between speaking up and being heard. I often speak up, but now seriously wonder how many times my message gets through.

People are so "set on being right" that often then just don't listen to what those around them say. If anyone objects (even politely) they are quick to jump on them and defend their statements rather then listen. Someone disagreeing does not mean they don't like you, it does not mean they think you are stupid. Listening to others is a rare skill and such a valuable one.

I have been guilty of talking first and listening later before. I think it's human. For me, i want to learn to listen more...and really hear what people are saying. This journey through ttc has really opened my eyes to how little people listen. And in fact, i have turned this objection i have to others onto myself and realised that although i do listen to others...there are times I could do much better then I do.

Sometimes, no matter how well or how clearly we communicate..it really relies on our audience to what happens next. Learning not to care would be a great thing as well...but I do care.

This was highlighted to me by my chiropractor. Someone who I am starting to view also as a friend. In past sessions he has spoken of this "one off case" of someone stopping IVF and then suddenly getting pregnant...he has told me the same story several times. He is also one of the people who say "i just want you to relax" he says this of course after giving me a laundry list of things that are "wrong"with me....

finally I spoke up...I said "please stop, you have said the relax thing so many times and I actually find it borderline offensive"

he stopped...and said the normal response "i was trying to help"

and my voice came true and did not desert me....and i found the words i have been longing to say

" I am sick of people blaming me for not being pregnant. People say don't stress like its not a big deal....don't worry this is nothing...well, I;ve been doing this for 2 years and it is a big deal. You may as well tell me to stop breathing, I would be about as successful at stopping thinking about ttc. I have people telling me all I do wrong, I have done everything that I have been told, I have changed my diet and my life. I am sick people effectively saying "if you could just get your emotions under control you could be pregnant like everyone else". I have tried in so many ways to ask for help and support, but I am so sick of people just turning it back on me and not being supportive...just saying "don't stress" because its not supportive....it just makes me wish I had never opened my mouth"

and I am happy to say, for the first time in a long time...someone heard me. And he was not angry or defensive...he heard my pain and was sorry. He asked me questions....so he made sure he really understood.

and I did say that I knew he (and others) were trying to help, and that it did not come from a place of malice....but it just did not change the message being sent. I understand it being offered to someone who had only been trying for a few months....but once your past the 12 month mark....it becomes something that burns your ears and heart.

He could see my exhaustion at having to explain myself. He could see my sincerity. He could see how much I needed to be heard and have my journey respected and not dismissed.

I cried so much when I got home, almost out of joy. To have someone finally hear me, it also bought back all those feelings of frustration when people have not heard me...have gotten angry at me for daring say anything against their "all knowing advice".

So next time, before you extend some useless cliche to a friend in pain....listen to them. Don't ask of them more then they can humanly do. To be heard and appreciated is all that most people long for...and in our quick fix/fast paced/one size fits all society...this is not happening nearly enough. Don't dismiss people's pain...don't ignore them...don't just say the first simple fix that comes into your head so you feel better...listen to them...ask them questions...don't feel the need to HAVE the answer...sometimes all they want/need is a hug or some sympathy. Don't rush to give a quick answer so you can say what ever you wanted to say about yourself. Sometimes there is no answers...sometimes there will be answers but you don't know them. Don't be afraid to say you don't know, don't be afraid if they get upset with the cliche's being offered....this person has chosen to talk to you, trust you with their pain, if they did not like you they would not have opened up.chose to see your friend. Listen without fear or bias and you will be amazed with the response...and this gift will come back to you many times over.

Walk with love...love listens.

2010....my plan for me

2009-07-06T11:29:00.002+10:00

Well, its time to start broadening my horizons. I need to have fun things for me to look forward to, things that do not rely on conception.

The simple answer ... go and get a job...

however, this for me I don't think will work. My issue is that I want to be around for Elliott. I don't want him being in after school care and holiday programs...I want to be around for him and I can not see that he will stop needing me just because he is at school...even in highschool I want to be around for him.

So, could I do what many do and get jobs during term time and then quit??? Quite simply..no! My years as a recruitment consultant have made me understand just how hard this is for employers to deal with and I just could not do that in good conscience.

So, what I have realised is the only job i can really commit to is in a school. That then gives me options...of teaching or support staff..or admin staff....

and I have decided that I think I could be a pretty good teacher.

But more specifically...a Food Technology Teacher.

I initially thought about doing primary teaching but i don't think I have the right personality for that. I would worry that if i got one kid in my class that i really did not like I would be stuffed lol. At least with secondary teaching you have short stints with lots of different kids...

and specialising in food tech will be amazing. With my current regime for Elliott and all the knowledge I have acquired with him...plus my foray into the world of natural eating ... and my love of cooking....I feel like this could be the perfect choice of career that i could do until retirement.

So, that means...I am headed back to uni!!

I have an open night to go to on the 3rd August at RMIT. WHat i need to do is a Bach Science (applied Science) and then do a grad dip in teaching. It's going to take 5 years all up (first 2 years part time, then next 3 full time)...but at the end I will be able to get a job I can commit to and still feel I am being the parent I feel Elliott deserves.

I did want to go back to uni and do pysch, as I feel I would make a great psychologist/counsellor...however, my problem with that is being about to commit to work after uni finishes. As i have mentioned, I do not feel OK with Elliott being left alone/ in care during school holidays...so as much as i think that career would suit my personality maybe slightly better....my career has to suit my whole life....

I have a plan...I really hope the open night goes well and I stay this enthused as this is the firat plan I have been truely excited about for ages.

School Holidays!!

2009-07-06T11:22:00.002+10:00

Yippeee!

I love school holidays and these ones have been pretty realxing so far. Elliott's new habit of coming in and saying good morning and then leaving me in bed to sleep while he goes and plays is simply wonderful. This habit can STAY lol

We've also been reading lots and lots and lots lol and the improvement is amazing. Our new daily routine is....reading comes first, every morning. So after he has his play time we do our reading before brekky, before tv...before i get out of bed lol! The reading folder that we made is perfect, god bless Marks' ability to make things on the computer :-) Checking the books off each day is really helping both of us. It keeps it nice and focused and motivated too. For each sheet he finishes (30 books) he gets a toy (ben 10 atm).

It is such an amazing thing to hear the improvement. I know the ones school sends home are only about 10 pages...but he is easily getting through 30-40 pages per day. So our "home folder" will continue throughout the school term, on the days he does not get a school reader.

As for other things, we have been bushwalking, to the park, to see Ice Age 3, had a board game day and of course some play time and a few movies on the lounge. The really simple pleasures this time...of course, next holidays I am off to England...so quiet this time is perfect.

MIA

2009-06-30T21:30:00.003+10:00

So, I have had a bit of a break for a week. Just to come to grips with all the stuff going through my head.

I made a few choices after seeing my different "people' I have seen my Chiro a few times, my Rheumatologist and I see my kinesiologist again tomorrow night. A full time schedule really lol.

I ordered the Progesterone Cream and have become a Neways consultant. I actually think that some of their products may help Elliott and the are all chemical free. So over the next few months I will try some out and if i really like them I might even give a bash at getting a client base after I come back from the UK.

After seeing my Rheumatologist and having a good chat. I have decided to restart the Heparin after I ovulate each month. She feels I have a very good chance at IVF working (well, no less then other healthy 35 year olds anyway). The fact that I have carried a bub to term and have no other complications (like PCOS)...means I am in the so called "good success" group. She feels very strongly that regardless of "how" i get pregnant, without the Heparin I have a very slim chance of carrying to term and having a live birth. So, instead of waiting till I find out if i am pregnant...I'll start on cycle day 16 again. May as well use the best of both worlds...eastern and western medicine working for me :-)

So right now, I am on cycle day 22 "ish" (am trying not to count lol). Using the progesterone cream (that smells quite herby lol) and the 2 injections a day. Again I had a bit of spotting but it stopped....so that could be a good sign. But I am a bit over signs lol...the months I am convinced the signs all point in the right direction I am usually wrong!

Am doing OK emotionally, a bit removed from life...trying to stay present but its not that easy. It's so easy to just tune out from things that are emotionally involved. It's easy to stay close and focussed on Elliott, just so easy to invest all my energy there. I worry some times that at this stage every month I pull away from my gorgeous husband. He see's right through me though, knows my pain and sometimes it is easier to just be around people that don't know. Strangers...who don't need to pity me. Strangers who are not lost for words or that notice when I flinch around pregnant women or new babies...the ones who don't watch my reactions...who are oblivious.

Anyways, my happy news for the week is about Elliott (yes, I know). Saturday, after a bit of confusion, he did his first Karate Grading and now is the very proud owner of a Orange Stripe belt!!! The change in his performance the last 2 classes (he went monday and tuesday this week as he will be away this weekend) has been amazing. It's like achieving that first goal has really inspired him. He has been more focused and I can see this being the first of many successes for my wonderful young man.

signing off for now....

Kinesiology

2009-06-20T17:04:00.002+10:00

I've been trying really hard to come up with words to explain my session on Thursday night...and I am failing!!

First it was some talking and chatting and her initial observations...picked up the issues that Michael found and was unable to solve...so off to a good start.

Then...well...lots of things lol

She uses energy to sense what people need. So holds her hands over the different chakras and gets a feel for what is needed. Did some colour therapy (yellow and green for me) and then did some work on drawing the tension and past stress out of my body (sort of like gentle massage) in both my shoulders, back and feet.

She feels that I need my progesterone balanced...and has recommended a cream that i can use to help that.

She was very positive and I feel much more centered and in touch with my feminine energy. One of the most powerful things she said...was "there is nothing wrong with you, you know...just i case you were worried". These words touched me deeply, after so long of being told I am flawed...its so nice to hear from someone that I am OK.

At the end of the session I mentioned the Tantric work that both Mark and I have done and aspire to do in the future...and this is where it became clear that Marina is the right person for me. She said "oh, I am studying that...so I can be a practitioner" and we then discovered we knew some of the same people! One of my favourite Tantric courses that I have done was with one of her mentors .It really is a small world after all.

I feel like my description really does no justice to the session that we had. I feel like a lot of stress has been taken away...and although my goal is still to be pain free...in many ways my hope has been restored and I feel that maybe, once I am pain free...I can really do this baby making journey and make it really work for us.

the path to a passport

2009-06-17T12:21:00.002+10:00

via every single office in melbourne! Its getting a bit tedious already!

So, yesterday morning I woke up feeling pretty good (chiro did wonders on Monday) so i decided to brave all the "name change" places...see i i could get it over and done with. So, after school drop off, I headed to VICROADS to do the 1st one...my license. I did expect this to be the painful one...but happily it was simple...and FREE! So, in and out of therein less then 15 minutes I decided next stop was a haircut and then my passport photo.

Made a detour via Medicare to do that one too. That will take about 2-3 weeks for my new card...so won't be here in time for my passport appointment...so then i had to add the bank on to my list of things to do!

So,then, haircut was easy (always so nice to have someone else wash my hair) and over and done nice and quick. Then...photo time. I decided to use Kmart (as that was where the post office sent me to get E's done cause it was too hard for them lol)...WRONG!

Got pic (after several tries) and decided to go and get it approved at the post office. 15 mins in a line..to be told it was not ok. Trekked back across to Kmart to get a refund...decided to go home, have lunch and face it again in the afternoon.

So, after lunch i decided I would go to both post office and the bank....oh the joy!

INto post office, line up for 15 mins...1st pic ...failed (could see my teeth) but because they use an old fashioned polaroid I had to wait again for 10 mins for them to take another pic....finally got one.

Off to the bank....more waiting....25 mins later...it was finally done!

So...after a day of waiting...waiting....frustration and more waiting...I now have more waiting for all my new cards to arrive!

I really should have done all this a year ago and then would not be concentrating all this frustration into a few days. However...then it would be too easy for me really!

I really want to get this passport thing over with and then I will really have all this behind me. I can just relax and enjoy all my holiday plans and run headlong through those custom gates and head to the UK!!

A break from the madness

2009-06-14T12:36:00.002+10:00

has been called.

I have not given up all hope, but for now i just can not continue with the tonics and am bowing ungracefully out of the baby race.

It's hard to explain, I am still not going to go eat all crazy things or stop drinking my water. I'm still doing all the "healthy living stuff" but for now..I just have to give up on "trying".

But I have a new goal, I want to be pain free. I want to feel healthy again. I have had lower back pain for years...so constant thT i do not even really notice it..but I carry my body to compensate for it. I saw my Chrio on Friday and then again Saturday because him working on my lower back...irritated it to the point I am still hurting today. I will go back again tomorrow.

I do have in the back of my mind that maybe this lower back thing is why I am not pregnant (the naturopath has been bringing it up since day 1, but i thought as i was not in agony then it didn't matter). And well, maybe it will help. But, I think I have given up on it happening naturally and will just work towards good health so when i feel brave enough for IVF I will be fit and healthy...so they can mess me up again.

Mark is upset with me, but we have talked all that through. I am not giving up altogether, I just can not continue right now. I know why he is so sad, i feel it too. He has tried so hard and done so well sticking to his diet and taking all his tonics. He has tried so hard to support me (and done an amazing job especially this last month where i just totally fell apart) and been my rock when i needed him more then ever before. I do worry about loosing him, which on many levels I know I won't, but I also see how much he truely wants a child. He is a great dad to Elliott, in fact, right now they are painting together and having a ball, but he feels that pull for his own biological child. I totally understand and respect that desire and some how, when i am not so absorbed in my own devastation I have to find a way to help him grieve that child that may never be.

IVF is off until after we get back from the UK, I will still have my prelim appointments in the next few weeks...sort of finalise all that. I also need to have a scan to find out why my poor body has been bleeding so much. Maybe a new set of eyes will find something new. Maybe not, maybe i am just broken beyond repair. However, August is off the cards for me and it may take longer then October for me to come to grips with it.

I feel like I should change the focus of this blog for a while...I will just have to see how it goes and whether I can continue it while trying to let go of my dreams of a baby in the short term. I'll have to dribble on about my travel plans and gorgeous family for a while...i guess my smile won't change...and for a long time there will still be some clenching of teeth to get me through those days that I have to smile and laugh..or the tears will show and I don't know if they will ever go away.

Ciao for now, I will be back...

No words...

2009-06-11T17:14:00.002+10:00

plenty of tears though.

Basically ...no improvement... my maturopath is joining the ranks of people "who just don't know"...and I am not happy.

I have been given one last concoction and been recommended to see a Kinesiologist...I am digesting this and deciding what to do,

I feel I am at a point of possibly just wasting my time. Do i give up on this whole thing? Do i just give up and do IVF? Do i keep on going with the awful tonics...I have invested 12 weeks...should i give it another 3...but where does it end? Will I still be stuck in this awful limbo in a years time?

I feel lost, I feel isolated and i feel constantly misunderstood. I am exhausted by my journey but i don't feel ready to quit.

This really is a cruel thing to go through....I hope i can find some more strength cause i feel like mine has all be used.

So, I have been sulking

2009-06-08T22:15:00.002+10:00

and that is never pretty!

AF did not manage to get into full swing...so I am on day 9 of spotting...so on Friday I called my naturopath..who seemed totally unconcerned...god he shits me sometimes. I see him again on Wednesday....and I tell you now there had better be some god damn good news.

Mark saw him last week...and is "as cured as he can be"...so no more vomit tonics for him...just lucky old me.

On happy news (yes, I have managed to stop sulking long enough to have some happy days) it was Mark and my 1st year wedding anniversary and it was lovely. I feel so lucky, and can genuinely say its my best year of marriage ever! As we got married by the beach we decided to drive down to Portsea, go for a walk and then have lunch in the Portsea Hotel....such a relaxing day. E was visiting his bio dad for 2 nights (a rare occurrence) so we also had 2 well loved sleep in's!

So, a nice quiet week this week...trying to get P!NK tickets tomorrow....I saw her a few years ago bot would love to see the new show....and have convinced Mark that its my birthday present from him!!

Also, our trip to England firming up..should be confirmed by the end of the week!

Not happy

2009-06-04T21:00:00.000+10:00

not happy at all.....no guesses why...

AF on CD24...rediculous

Busy ...busy...

2009-06-01T21:19:00.002+10:00

planning planning!

Have been having heaps of fun plotting my Uk adventure. There are so many places I want to take Mark too! Mainly curry houses lol....there are 3 main ones.....The passage to India (Bracknell), The Standard (Reading) and the Tigers Pad (ascot)....all are amazing....maybe even Brick Lane in London...but we'll see! Also, he really needs to experience some true pub meals...and there is no better place then the Uk for that!

I am hanging for a packet sandwich and a Waitrose dessert...or even a curry (are you sensing a theme to my trip). I think my entire UK trip will be about food...I will definitely be getting my heathrow 5!

Legoland will be out other must do and also down to the New Forest ... both places I have not been before!

And then there will be heaps of stuff with Elliott's extended family. So my EX inlaws...who happily I get along with pretty well and I will be excited to see them all. My SIL is kindly giving up her house for the few weeks we are there....so we'll have a "home" of our own and that will make anything else tolerable!

ON my other news...I still dry retch when I take my terrible tonics. But the sickness only lasts an hour or so and can be lessoned with some nice stodgey food...my favourite was honey on Bread...but I have changed that to Mark's left over birthday cake...might have to bake another one tomorrow!

However...it is very much looking like good news. I am so convinced that I have had implantation bleeding and just can not wait to do a test and get a bfp. I am a little scared that I am wrong...but I am so full of hope and excited! This could be it...or i could be in for a massive fall...place your bets....its all or nothing!

What a huge weekend!

2009-05-31T13:47:00.002+10:00

But what a great one!!!

I am normally not a fan of everything happening at once...it stresses me out! But this weekend has been so fantastic and busy all at once...

Catching up with old friends, birthday parties, looking at booking tickets to the UK, having family stay for a few days...and both my precious men having birthdays!

Through all that busyness I also managed to speak up about a few things that are bothering me! And i did it calmly and hopefully productively. The thing is, my sister, whom I adore, is one of those people who are not good at listening or showing compassion. She views my infertility with a bit of distain. She knows how long we've been trying but still...she's always there to try and minimise it. Before my miscarriage her response was always "well, at least you have not had a miscarriage"...even when I tried to explain that made me feel like she was dismissing my pain and not taking me seriously...she still defended herself and anyone else that said that because "well, a miscarriage is really bad"...hmmm. So anyway, after I had a miscarriage...she comes back with "well, at least t was early enough that you don't seem to care"...I mean seriously wtf! So, when she tried to say it again....I stopped her. And I told her how it made me feel and I told her that I have stopped telling her how i feel because I am sick of hearing her justify everyone else and dismissing my feelings as inconsequential. She did not like it, but I was firm. She tried to say that I was strange as my miscarriage didn't hurt me badly enough...so i corrected her and said that was because I was already in so much pain from everything else that had happened I did not have as far to fall...I mean when you have been battling something this long...one more battle scar is not the end of the world..but still..I just don't think she gets it. But that is OK, because I have spoken my truth now and I feel better inside!!!

My sister does mean well, she is not vindictive or cruel...she, like many others just do not get it. And I guess they are the lucky ones...but ge I wisha bit of care could at least be faked sometimes.

And that UK trip I mentioned....I might be heading over that way in September...partly helped by my ex inlaws who really want Elliott to come over! And the most exciting part...Mark wants to come!!! I so expected him to encourage me to go alone...but now...he has said he is keen (which is amazing as prior he has always resisted any kind of long haul travel). I am over the moon. I have a friend who is a travel agent who I saw on Saturday...she is going to try and hook me up with a great deal...I am so excited...its been ...ummm, more then 5 years since i did any travel and my poor old feet are itching up a storm!!!

Moving on to where I am this cycle...and I am so full of hope that things are going well...and warning...there may be way TMI in this next bit for the faint hearted!

I am currently on CD 18 and am having what I highly suspect my be light implantation bleeding! Its too early for pre cycle spotting and well..I am hoping hoping hoping...that I am right! If all the signs remain the same then I will do a test in about 10 days....which will be just after our wedding anniversary!! Oh I hope i'm right....pregnancy here we come!

Do you ever

2009-05-26T13:57:00.003+10:00

look back and wonder what would have happened had you seen that warning sign that the universe offered and you ignored?

Do you ever wonder what in your life made you wander down an unwise path?

Some say past wounds, some say repeated patterns and soem say destiny.

I, on the other hand, simply don't know.

I know that looking back there was a very clear moment early in my relationship with my ex husband where i nearly walked away. A night where he showed me his true colours, his controlling bullying nature. And early enough that i should have simply walked away.

An innocent conversation with a fellow melbournian far away from home...simple right? In a pub, in plain sight. NOthing untoward or nasty...but to my ex...that was clearly unacceptable. That i would talk to another man, one he did not know...that was not on. And on that night, even after a warning from a friend, I continued talking....because to me, the idea of that kind of jealousy was just unheard of. However, moments later, as he dragged me off to the back of the pub to scream and yell at me, I was to learn fear for the first time.

I did walk away from him that night, out into the street in Reading. Amazed that such a seemingly intelligent and nice guy could be such a tool. I told him then and there...I would not be spoken to that way. But, when the flowers and apologies began...I believed it...he just really liked me...was overcome by love...sounds good right?

And the message was repeated over and over...starting gentle the next time and escalating each time in its delivery. The message was "DO as I say, behave as I say...for you are nothing without me". And me, being me, I took this. Everyone has flaws..this was his. I did not want any more public fights so i behaved.

This moment, its what came up in Hypnotherapy today. This moment, the moment i first learnt fear. This moment is what lead me down the path to that battered shadow of myself that married him (only to be screamed at on day 5 of that marriage that I had better learn to behave like a wife and damn fast), got pregnant at his wish (only to be abused for not doing that well enough) and then got left/cheated on/abused/assisinated....in that moment...i sealed my fate.

I have often thought back and said "I must not regret anything, for without that path I would not have my beloved Elliott". But I do regret selling myself so short. I regret swallowing all those insults and all that poor treatment. I do regret accepting his poison into my life. I do regret momentarily putting down my pride and allowing myself to be kicked.

I'm back now though, with the lesson that time has taught me. I am back now, and I have the greatest gift, the lil boy who i lived for when all else inside me wanted to die. I will always look at Elliott and know he is the reason i survived and although, I regret with all my soul being a victim to his father...but I will never regret my son as he is my reason to breathe.

SO now, this fear that was trapped inside me is gone. I will never go back, I will never again put down my strength or accept poor treatment out of fear. I will always survive no matter what. I know now, that I am not scared of being pregnant again, because I know that I am not going back, I am going forward. If, in this insane universe, I have married another closet abuser, that i can simply walk away. I will not suffer in silence and hope that things get better around me...I will scream out for help and then I will help myself.

My Dh now, is not like my ex, and I thank my blessings for him every day. But more then that...I thank myself, for living, for breathing, for being hopeful and joyous. I thank myself for going places I was scared of, and seeing that they are not that scary after all...I thank myself for being me....happy, energetic, ballsy and sometimes, just a lil insane.

I am woman, in every sense...daughter, lover, wife, sister, mother and friend. And, just quietly, I like myself quite alot...and the next time someone tries to make me change...I'm going to tell them ever so nicely...no thanks, been there, done that....its just not for me!

I am exhausted....

2009-05-25T08:41:00.003+10:00

and its not a good day for that lol

This week is going to be huge as it is Elliott's and Mark's birthday! I can't wait for all the fun to start...but being the mummy...all that fun means lots of work for me. Oh, and this is also ovulation week...so well that is fun and work too lol.

I have to get all cleaned today...the whole house. Istarted yesterday but i have about 4 hours of work today...plus baking, plus having fun with Elliott.

Tomorrow I have hypnotherapy at 9.30am...then a few hours to recover...then more tidying, finishing off party bags an wrapping pressies. The take E to Karate...his first time in uniform!

Wednesday i have to bake the cupcakes to take to school on Thursday

Thursday (Elliott's Birthday...omg i can not believe my boy will be 5)...I'll be up early icing cakes! after school drop off i have to bake the cupcakes for his birthday party on Friday, go to the airport to collect Mandi and Tamika and get back in time to collect E from school! Then home and have E's birthday dinner....I think he wants homemade pizza...so not too hard there!

Friday is party day. So icing cakes, making dinner for 10 people (am thinking of throwing soup in the slow cooker)...hopefully lots of relaxing!

Saturday...is Karat, then a fair at school, then another birthday party....then home and to make a special dinner for Mark's birthday...oh and i have to make his cake somewhere in there....maybe friday? OMG!

Sunday...we are going out to brunch on Brunswick street so Tamika and Mandi can get a vege bar fix! Take Tamika on a tram....and then have to take them back to the airport...it will have been manic but so good to have them here. They have not seen this house before...will be nice to have them around for a few days.

SO....that is my very very scary busy week! If i am not posting...you know why lol

I don't feel sick!!!!

2009-05-22T08:51:00.003+10:00

and it is so amazing how much more i feel up to!

I have been going out so much more....I went to brekky with the girls from school, went over to Jan's house so she could show me how bookclub works and am going out to dinner with the TPP girls tonight! And i actually look forward to it, am excited by it. OMG, feeling sick all day every day had sapped my energy so much I had not noticed how down i had got!

I am off to see my Chiro/Bowen guy this morning. Am hoping he can get me nice and aligned...as I should be ovulating next week....and it is all systems go!

Oh..i could almost sing and dance..almost...don't worry I won't scar your ears or retina's with that sight just yet...but stay tuned...happy dances will be on the way!

Naturopath check up today...and

2009-05-20T12:17:00.003+10:00

i am improving!!!!

My uterus is all healed (prob explains the crazy period i just had) and ready to go.

My pancreas is all healed.

My bacteria levels have dropped dramatically so my tummy is geting better. Only half of it though lol

My iron levels are back up to 100%.

There are still some down sides....

my left ovary is still shit...to combat this he has changed my fertility tonic. WE can get by without it....but he thinks this last change will sort it out.

My poor tummy is struggling because my body is still not absorbing silica very well. Which sucks cause i have been feeling so sick with that tonic. He has changed me to something called Molkosan and given me a tablet for the silica.

He is very happy with my progress...said he can see i am being excellent with my diet...so that was a big boost!

So, he has said he still thinks there is an emotional block and I think i may have figured out what it might be.

When i got pregnant with Elliott, my ex husband got very abusive and angry. He was not supportive and ended up having an affair (and getting more and more abusive towards me) from about 2 months on. He abandoned me physically, refused any sort of intimacy because in his words he found my pregnant body disgusting.

He literally had a spilt personality...in public he was this 'perfect husband' and behind closed doors he was horrific. I found myself acting along...repeatedly telling myself that he was just having trouble adjusting and that it would all get better soon....I spent most of my pregnancy feeling like i was loosing my mind. His mood would change so quickly, i was always scared. If he was screaming and yelling i was scared...when he was super nice and apologetic i was even more scared...because by then I had learnt that the nicer her was...the worse the next outburst would be. I feel a lot of guilt for playing along, not saying something sooner. I feel like I lack credibility, like my story won't be believed because i did not speak up.

Now, as much as I have dealt with that on a conscious level...it does still haunt me. And as i have spoken with Michael and Jaclyn, this has been a niggling thought in the back of my mind. So i think sub consciously i think i am scared of it happening again. As much as I love and trust my hubby now, i felt the same way about my ex and really had no idea he was capable of such cruelty. 20/20 hindsight has shown me all those warning signs that were there the whole time...but I know all about people repeating their patterns...and well...its damn scary.

Mark and I have a very physical relationship. We have discussed that this may change with pregnancy. Although, after living sexless through my first pregnancy (under protest) I will not be willing to do it again. I know that Mark is very excited about being pregnant, and making love to celebrate and care for me during the pregnancy. I know I have asked him many questions that i never thought to ask my ex, I know we have a better relationship on every level, i know that we have better communication and better intimacy.

So, when i see Jaclyn on Tuesday...I'll be venturing somewhere i am scared of going...but i will walk this path...I will walk through this place of pain and walk out the other side a better person.

The excitement builds....

2009-05-19T09:59:00.002+10:00

and i am trying to harness it for good instead of evil lol.

I have so many things that i want to do and need to do. Some just basic things like getting back on top of the housework and others like get my uni applications in order, get organised for my STAT tests.

Today i am going well, i really think that getting up and have a shower is going to be essential for me...oh, and the going to bed at 9.30pm lol.

We have the house valuer coming today to hopefully give us a good value for our refinace...we want that extra money to get the aircon done...and either a new car for me OR ivf...I would prefer the new car and get pregnant on my own!

Anyway, this is a whole lot of nothing today. I think i am trying to harness my energy and point it in the right direction. I am trying to avoid my tonics i think....its what i am doing next and i really really don't want to take them...i feel so awful afterwards...I know why and i'll never miss a dose...but i am the queen of procrastination....and i want to stamp my foot 4 year old style and scream "I don't wanna"!

Feeling overwhelmed and fragile

2009-05-18T10:00:00.002+10:00

and i have no real reason.

I usually only feel this way near when AF is about to arrive and piss me off. But the last week i have just been so disorganised and everything seems to be getting on top of me.

Its 10am and I am supposed to be out...but i am only just getting organised now...arrgg.

I have no excuse...it is just not coming together...i hope this week is better then last...at least i managed to get the bed made this morning....that usually means a better day ahead.

I have my shopping list done...i have got E dressed ...and to my credit we baked biscuits this morning too...now time for me...go on...off the computer...put one foot in front of the other and get going!

He's ready to knock me up...

2009-05-15T08:51:00.003+10:00

even the naturopath says so lol!

Mark has his 6 week naturopath check up last night and he thinks he is doing great. He says Mark is now ready to make me pregnant and all he needs to do is to keep taking his tonics and make sure he has 2 eggs every day (an increase from the 8 a week he has atm) and the boys will be ready for their date with my egg!

Its a bit exciting, so now i just have to hope that these god awful ones i am taking have got me over the stall in recovery of my ovaries and uterus!!!

I am using my most positive thoughts...imagining being able to tell people that it has worked, announcing my pregnancy to all my friends, being heavily pregnant at xmas time (and enjoying the 12 hour drive to the coast lol) and having a happy healthy bub early in 2010.

I am prepared to use IVF if need be and i am glad that that I have a back up, but i do believe in my heart that this natural way is going to work. It feels right that this will work and then we can do our natural birth weekend retreat http://www.birthingwisdom.com.au/prebirth.html and hopefully have a nother natural birth like I did with Elliott...

My world feels like it is going to right itself once more...bring it on baby bring it on!

my first parent/teacher interview

2009-05-14T14:16:00.002+10:00

Well, i went in for my first parent teacher interview this morning and i am one very proud mummy! School is a really new and exciting adventure and at times i am nervous that Elliott will not like it/not fit in.

Having gone to 7 schools myself and having memories of not so good days, what i have always wanted for Elliott is a stable school life...1 school, maybe a maximum of 2 if we change for high school.

It is really different being the parent, something i have having a huge learning curve with as well. Handing over the responsibility of my boy to a new person and also accepting that his peer group will play an equal role to me in his life...very scary and bring out my control freak lol!

Anyway, on to my boy and his progress at school......

We looked through his work books and his writing is getting so very good.

He is socialising really well with both girls and boys. He has repeatedly been seen going and helping any child that is sad/crying, once even stopping in a race to go back and help a friend.

He has been placed in the accelerated learning group and has been allocated to a prep class with an accelerated learning focus.

She talked about his humour and his determination and his ability to really focus on an activity and also pause and think things through before leaping in.

I loved hearing how she talked about him, she really seems to enjoy having him there

I am so happy. Elliott loves school and he loves his teacher. We have a big love of learning in our home and it is expanding everyday he is at school!

He has also just gone up a level in his readers!

She gave me 2 things to work on at home....writing his numbers and also his pencil grip....i'll encorporate that into our daily games!

I am so happy for him. I love seeing his happy little face when i pick up after school, i love that when he gets to the car the first thing he wants to do is read his new reader, i love how much he is learning every day and is constant (and now slightly annoying) use of his new word...deciduous! I love that he is making new friends and growing every day...

ahhh...i am one very happy mummy right now!

The knock on effect....

2009-05-13T13:59:00.004+10:00

oh the irony...The budget has been released and i am struggling to come to grips with what it means for us.

They have decided the payment of $5000 for having a baby can stay...but the support for those trying to have a child has been scrapped!! How unreasonable...but then, i am now part of a silent epidemic of infertility!

There is so little support for people who are suffering through this emotionally...and now the gov't is taking away the availability of treatment.

If this budget gets approved (and even if it doesn't i can not see the opposition saving IVF support) then as of January 1 2010, the rebate for IVF will be capped at approx $500. Presently, it is about $4500. So, IVF is now officially for the rich here in Australia. [edited to add....they have not scrapped it altogether...the rebate will now be about $3000...but this still doubles the existing OOP expense].

As a result, i have had to be much more proactive and can no longer just let it wait till January next year and let things happen.

I called and spoke to Helen (Dr Toledo's secretary...Dr Toledo is my fertility doc) and have booked us a pre cycle appointment for July 14th at 11.30am. With the view of doing our first IVF cycle in August this year. The plan will be...to do 2-3 egg collection cycles meaning hopefully i will get pregnant off a fresh cycle before year end. If i don't, we are hoping to have quite a few frozen embies that we could implant next year...this of course costs lots lots less mean that this would be more affordable with the new system.

I have also called and booked an appointment with Dr Bendrups (she is my Rheumatologist and the best reproductive rheum in Melbourne if not Australia) on 24th June at 1pm for a pre IVF check up and to find out what she thinks is the best treatment for me during IVF.

Dr Toledo and Dr Bendrups have already been in touch and have got a great treatment plan for me...so now i just need to go and find out what it will be.

This gives me time to finish my diet and of course get myself pregnant the good old fashioned way. Appointments can be cancelled after all but now i have a good back up plan it takes the pressure off!

I feel, that once people realise the effect this will have, IVF clinics will be run off their feet for the next 6 months and then very quiet next year.

The budget report i read said they think pricing has gone up too much cause of the government rebates, but what they are not taking into consideration is the technological breakthroughs that have happened and the costs that have been passed on. ICSI, freezing tech, collection tech have all come on in leaps and bounds. And lil things like the costs of the pippettes they use (invisible to the naked eye, made of high qual glass). All these things add up. This has been done with no consultation with doctors...

They worry about the falling population, so entice people who are fertile with money....but take away the funding for those who desperately want children...it just does not make sense!

Haunted by chocolates....

2009-05-12T10:29:00.002+10:00

so, i am doing ok. Still feeling pretty feral with my tonics but am getting through it. Am doing great with the food...still forcing down the 4 litres of water...so why...dear universe...why are you testing me???

We had a great Mothers Day, I got brekky in bed and some lovely gifts from Elliott, i got to spend longer in bed and then relaxed most of the day while Mark helped get dinner ready (the new Slow cooker is getting a work out)...then a visit from an old friend who was aching to go Rollerskating so off we went....

Who wins the lucky door prize? Me, who never wins anything!!! What was the wonderful prize i hear you gasp...a box of Roses Chocolates....hmmmmm So into the draw where i can not see them....a bit of temptation but i can handle it.

So, after a rather challenging day yesterday (a 4 year old rebel was trying my patience) it was off to school this morning with a still rebellious Elliott in tow. So after a minor meltdown while waiting to go into class...I was happily chatting when i was presented with....wait for it...ANOTHER box of Roses Chocolates!!

See...you thought i had lost the path of this post...but no, my ramblings bought me back to my point!

So, now i have 2 boxes of chocolates put aside to tempt me. I can do it, i can do it, I can do it!!

Friday again?

2009-05-08T15:25:00.002+10:00

it's friday already and it has been a massive week!

I feel like being sick has left me days behind, and well i have not caught up yet!

I went out yesterday and got a Slow Cooker...am sadly excited by this and have the pleasure of my house now smelling lovely as i put a Chicken Indian Style dish on this morning, Its failsafe, and also naturopath diet approved! Really looking forward to dinner tonight now!

Still feeling sick on and off with my tonics but things are much improved.

Sadly, i have the start of my period today...not really but well, enough proof that the bitch is on the way.

I should be happy, because once i finally get a CD1 i can have my cycle of trying really commence. The next 3 months will be telling.

I am mixed at whether i should book an IVF appointment for August so i have a back up...i really don't know the best thing to do. I will see how my next Naturopath appointment goes and pick a timeframe to work within.

I do feel very positive about what we are doin, but i also don't want to leave booking appointment so long that it takes forever to get going again if we need to...

it really has me wondering what to do.

Back upright!

2009-05-06T13:34:00.003+10:00

Ok, this is my first day of not feeling like shit with my new tonics...I have got it right!

Now, the trick...ignore the instructions to combine all those pesky tonics into one feral drink...nooo...don't do that! The trick is...to have them at least a few hours apart...and follow each dose with one or two plain kettle chips! Now, there is a new way. But it works!!

Sadly for me, I now have a cold...soo am still feeling a bit awful but certainly back on my positive plane of thinking again.

I have also come to realise...i am doing the right things...eating right, drinking enough (although sometimes 4 litres feels like a mountain), taking all my potions. I can hold my head high. ALso, I am happy and positive and excited about my future. I can be frustrated because this baby is taking so long to arrive, but that does not make me miserable. Everyone has good and bad days, and I am a normal person it that i do express these emotions. I will not accept that something in me is stopping this happening emotionally. I trust myself, my soul and my heart. I believe in myself, my marriage, my son, my family, my friends and my joy to carry me through this.

If it comes down to this not working, i will not have failed. I will have succeeded, in the face of much adversity. If this does not work, I will have laid the perfect foundation for IVF to work for us.

I am woman...hear me roar...well..hear me croak today...but i am doing it proudly!

Teary breakdown alert

2009-05-04T10:05:00.002+10:00

ok...it finally got to me!

Michael saying it was not working well enough got me rattled....and then the sickness...and the ridiculous catch 22 of not being happy enough to be pregnant....

I called to speak to Jaclyn (hypnotherapist) and make a new appointment. We got chatting about how i was feeling and then the tears came.

I felt happy and positive and over the moon with myself for doing all the right things, I was proud and excited. Even if this slows us down i am OK...but feeling sick all day every day is not on. I feel blamed for it not working...i know that is not the case.

I have to ask though....if i was happy and ok with not being pregnant...i would not be dedicating the time/money/energy into this diet/program. I am doing this because i am not satisfied with what is happening. So how do i win. If i just accept my present lack of fertility, then i won't have the motivation to do this....

so riddle me this...how the hell do i win?

Ahhh, its monday again

2009-05-04T09:30:00.002+10:00

WEll, the weekend has flown by and we are back to lazy monday! It seems to be the one day Elliott and I have to sloth about...well, not sloth, Elliott is no where near slothing! We have already read 3 books and done 2 levels of reading Eggs...I have now got him nice and quietly having morning tea and watching play school...while i sit for a moment!

The tonics are still making me feel lousy...so i called Michael and had a whinge lol. He thinks it could be my body reacting (i knew he would see it as good news grrr) but agrees that I can not be stuffed for the rest of the day so I have to take them all seperately today and find out if it is 1 in particular.

If it is the silica...its my body rejecting it because of me being unhappy...hmmm...I have discussed this dilemma before!

If it is the fertility tonic it is better news..because it means it is repairing the damage done to my system by the fertility drugs I took during IUI.

I'll experiment on myself today and see what happens.

On other news...went to a party yesterday and had a great time mainly. Both Mark and I find it hard to socialise at the moment...when surrounded by food we can not eat and alcohol we can not drink...it sort of makes it difficult to find some common ground. And, of course, there was the pregnant person i was just not expecting. I must admit, i did recoil a little when i found out, i didn't mean too...it just touches on my weakness atm. This girl is lovely, i have met her quite a few times. Was the last thing i expected...cause she had baby #1 just as i met her...when we started ttc...so now she is 20 weeks pregnant with #2. I did manage to pull myself together and not run away and made sure i went back to talk to her (but kept it food related) because its not her fault i feel so vulnerable and exposed around pregnant people.

I have been dubbed the baking queen by a few of my friends now...and i sort of like it. It is moving on from my years as the dancing queen heehee! It is certainly a name i can live with.

WEll, on to try my tonics and see which ones make me feel like dirt...i'll report back tomorrow...fingers crossed its the fertility one!

I have cupcakes baking...

2009-05-01T10:08:00.002+10:00

and i can't eat them lol!

I am doing a trial run for E's birthday cakes...i will have to post a photo when its done for his birthday cause i think it will be great! The cupcakes are White Chocolate and Honeycomb...they smell yum (when they are not making my head swim and tummy turn...damn you tonics...damn you to hell). Mum is still here and has very helpfully volunteered to taste them with Elliott. The rest will be taken to a house warming i am going to on Sunday...and weel, Kelly might eat a few at rollerskating tomorrow (yes folks, the weekend is manic!).

For E's birthday i will be using these cupcakes (if they are yummy) and covering them with Green Ganache Icing, putting some carob coats honeycomb as boulders and a lil toy plastic dinosaur....mini edible prehistoric scenes!! I am a bit excited about it!

I also have to think of some for him to take to school as he will be there on his actual birthday...am wondering if mini lemon meringue cupcakes are too advanced for 5 year olds....i want to eat them...but can't...maybe i will make them for my birthday lol...cause i'll be able to eat them by then!

My tonics still messing with me today...habe to battle on and hope i feel better....as in the lead up to my busy weekend...we are going to the Museum this after noon, then out to dinner and then taking mum back to the train station so she can go home (sniff).

So, by monday...hopefully I will be feeling much better with my new tonics and be totally freaking exhausted from all my (rather out of character) socialising!

Dreamstate - A poem by me

2009-04-30T10:40:00.004+10:00

The bell tolls
the world turns as we spin around the sun
dream of past
has not come true
the dream still endures

ever hopeful
dream lives on
standing still in limbo
it does not notice time moving on
it sits
based in eternity
waiting

the dream needs hope
has it
it needs traction
it slips in place
maybe the traction will come soon

phases of the moon
the dream sleeps on
waiting to wake and bloom
the dream grows
gains strength from its slumber

the line becomes finer
between dream and nightmare
which one will take its hold
who will win
hope or anger
hope reappears
dream lives on
waiting

omg, i wish i could chew my tongue out

2009-04-30T10:21:00.002+10:00

cause these new tonics taste feral!

and well, i feel sooo sick. This is the first time that i have felt ill after taking them, and hours later I still feel sick!

This is going to be a rough few days!

Mixed news...

2009-04-29T19:00:00.002+10:00

so today i had my 6 week check up with the naturopath and it was all a bit mixed. I am improving but not as much as he thinks i should be....he even thought i was a little dehydrated which made me laugh as i am getting through over 4 litres of water a day every day!

It did feel really good to be able to sit there and say...."no, i have been perfect...i have eaten and drunk everything I was supposed too". And i do feel better and am sleeping better. I have more energy and is it more evenly balanced. I have no food/sugar cravings...so i do know it is working.

He is majorly worried about my left ovary which has been damaged by the IUI process as they put you into early menopause to make you release more eggs....it is improving but very slowly.

The areas he is working on is Pancreas, Kidney, Ovaries, Stomach...all slowly heading in right direction...but he expected at least double the results.

My iron levels also gone down.

I am not absorbing the silica (he thinks my pancreas) from the mountains of lettuce I am eating.

He is also very anti cats as they can lead to problems absorbing silica!

So from here...he has changed my tonics...so now i am on a Liquid ailica (to try and make me absorb it), a female fertility tonic, an adapted Blood Sugar tonic. I am staying on the mag phos (that will be forever), clove powder and have about a week left on the super tonic.

The cats have been banished to the lower end of the house (as they usually only sit on me if i am sitting on the lounge).

I have to up the amount of beans and lentils i eat (a bit eww) and just stick with everything else i am doing.

The biggest thing, and biggest dilema...is that he fears my lack of progress is because of some underlying sadness. And when he asked if i was sad about anything...and well yes...i am sad that i am not pregnant or have a baby in my arms...and well the issue there is that unless i get pregnant i will be sad...so how do i get over my sadness in order to get pregnant.

I am happier now then i have been in ages, i feel positive and strong...I guess all i can do is build on that from week to week and keep on moving forward. I will have to go back and see Jaclyn (hypnotherapy) sooner then i had planned but that is OK.

So onwards and upwards, I am improving, i am succeeding in sticking to my diet and taking all my tonics...i can and will do this...i simply must

Visitors galore!

2009-04-28T18:44:00.002+10:00

well, on the back of my dad and step mum coming to visit last weekend...my mum arrived today! Its non stop around here.

I am quite thrilled that mum came down as it especially for Elliott's special person day at school. Being that it is really just Mark and I, having someone extra special for his day at school was really nice. And, mum and I get on great so it was really nice to just sit and talk all day lol!

In a few weeks, Mandi (my sister) is bringing Tamika (my neice) down for Elliott's birthday party! So, it really will be a family month.

As for the rest of our stuff...I am pretty sure I ovulated last night and well, I can not claim to be as good as last month at preventing pregnancy...whoops! IF it happens, well, I certainly won't be complaining!

Emotionally I am feeling great. I have mended one very important friendship and that has certainly helped me feel a bit stronger and positive. It really comes down to saying things that are important and not letting them build up...i must remember that...it makes me wonder if i should make more of an effort with some other people...hmmmm.

I am on a high again, I love feeling this way! It also helps that tomorrow is my 6 week check up and then on thusday...I am officially half way!!! I am amazed that I have got this far, and i know without doubt...that I will make it to the end.

And even in my worst case scenario (of having to do IVF in September) i know that this has helped me mind, body and soul...so its all good.

The joy of a sleep in!

2009-04-26T14:08:00.002+10:00

What a rare and wondrous treat in this house!!

Elliott is visiting his biological dad for 2 nights...gee the house feels so sad without him! He has such a huge presence and brings so much joy...even when he is sleeping I can feel him. But the upside...2 sleep in's!!!

I feel like I could do just about anything right now. I got up at 10.30am!!! Well, not all of that was sleeping but hell, thats a good thing too lol

Hopefully this added sleep will help me get through the week that is to come...my mum coming to stay for 3 nights (12 hours on a train...bless) so she can be Elliott's special person for special person's day. WE also have book fair this week (did I mention I am involved up to my neck now) which is the start of my training to take over all the Scholastic book club work from next year!

On the subject of mothers...well mothers in law...we went to visit this morning. She has now been sober 2 months and the difference is amazing. She has a long way to go but both Mark and I hoping that the fact that she has to earn her way back into our lives will be enough to keep her on the sober path. Next time I may even let Elliott come along and start slowly showing her we are beginning to trust her again. It would be wonderful to have her back in our lives...but I am very cautiously optimistic.

WEll, time for me to put my energy to good use and go and vaccum the house before Elliott gets home! Am feeeling really good and positive about this whole baby making mission today...lets hope that by end of August I have some thrilling news for you all!!

Re-learning how to celebrate

2009-04-25T11:53:00.003+10:00

Part of the pain of infertility...is learning how to gracefully deal with those who are fertile...especially the very very lucky ones who seemingly do not even have to try and get pregnant. One of the battles is how inconsiderate people can be (oh the joys of blissful ignorance) in ramming it down every one else's throat...but sadly this then rubs off on to all people who are pregnant in my mind.

It does not help when people I have been friends with for years just cut contact with me when they get pregnant...chosing to avoid any uncomfy feelings. Through my journey I have had friends who i have stayed close with during their pregnancies, the ones who chose to be my friend...by being able to see that my sadness for me was not in any way malice to them.

The number of stupid people getting pregnant hurts my head and sensibilities. People with no capacity to care or love their children. It fuels my anger that the world is unjust and helps me have those selfish moment of playing the victim that is so hard done by.

My days of victim are over. What happens to them is not going to stop good things happening to me. I feel sorry for their children, in some cases i feel sorry for them for being barely more then children themselves...if not chronologically but biologically.

Through my journey, I have become close friends with many who are also/have also struggled and I found my brush that was tarnishing the stupid ones was also tarnishing them. So, now i have to re-learn how to celebrate pregnancies in others and I find myself today in a place of such peace.

Happily, this comes to me from a close friend who has suffered several miscarriages in the last 2 years. Both her and her hubby have shown enormous courage in their journey and she is now...12 weeks pregnant. The joy i feel for them is wonderful, something I have been numb to for the last year or so.

I hope this is a turning point for me, that i can let go of some of the anger and just be a bit more joyous.Maybe by celebrating more the pregnancies around me, I will soon be able to celebrate my own.

3rd Hypnotherapy Appointment

2009-04-23T12:21:00.002+10:00

well, I have been struggling this week so I was looking forward to today.

I will go back and ind some entries I made about my first few Hypno appointments but I will focus on today for this post.

Today we talked a lot more about the discoveries we made last time (that my need to fit in and hide my true self came from when my parents split when I was 9 and how it was handled). Since that appointment I have been able to see so many patterns of times I have buried my own feelings and fit in. Or compared myself to others and always came in last spot. I often think that "everyone" has it so much easier....I have to remember that each person faces their own journey and struggles.

Anyways, we got talking about family dynamics and it felt really good to be able to step back and be able to analyze without judgement. I can see all the positives and negatives, and love them all the same.

My flowers are changing (flower therapy - pick the flowers that appeal) and growing as I uncover my layers.

Today, we talked about my habit of giving up. That nagging voice inside that undermines my efforts, that leads me to give up, that says "yeah, just abandon that plan...everyone will understand...its too hard for you". As far back as my subconscious would allow, it came about when I gave up theatre ( something I regret to this day) and started to hang back, not commit, not try...after all if you have not tried hard and put in lots of effort...it does not hurt as much when you fail.

This pattern has plagued me...things of value...things I really care about....i give up on...cause its easy to say....oh well, i did not try that hard it does not matter that I failed. Most of my regrets, looking back, are around giving up to soon on the things that matter...and trying to hard for things that don't matter.

So...while under...we spoke to my despondent self, the one who wants to give in and not bother...and have helped that part evolve into my researcher. My researcher will help me decide what to commit too...and make the right choices about what to stick to.

This is something that has so much value in my life, if I can truely overcome this...I will be able to make the right choices in what to commit too and when to keep going even when the going gets tough. I want this, not just so i can stick to my diet...but so I can be a better person.

I love my path at the moment, I love that I am growing through this, I love that at the other end of this path...I will be a better version of me that I have ever been.

My lil champion

2009-04-22T17:12:00.002+10:00

I don't talk much about Elliott on here...i guess cause things are going so well there lol.

However, I should talk more about him as he is really my lil champion. I am so proud of the boy that he is. He is active and happy, outgoing and friendly (well, with other kids anyway). He is so excited about life and he tries so hard and regularly achieves what he sets out to do...not bad when your 4!

However, school is making me even more proud. He loves it! He makes an effort to do what he is told, although like most 4 year olds he can sometimes be a little cheeky.

He is is Pre Prep (preschool for you NSW people) and goes 3 days a week. He'll start Prep next year at 5 days a week). The school he is at goes from Pre Prep - Year 12 ...so he'll hopefully spend his whole school life there till he goes off to uni.

We have always focused on a bit of education at home...reading and maths...doing his number and letters and seeing him learn them has given me a lot of joy. He has been reading basic words for about 6 months and after talking to his teacher she agreed to start sending home readers for him so the link to school can be started! Anyway, they got him to read to the Head of Junior School yesterday so they could pick the level to start him on and they approximate his reading age to about 7...or Year 1....wow!

So, we did his first reader and it was a bit tricky...but on the 2nd reading today he just got it! So now we get the excitement tomorrow of seeing what the next book will be.

I love spending this time with him...its a whole new world (and wow, school is a whole new world) that we can explore together!

Permanently Broken?

2009-04-21T18:49:00.002+10:00

I find myself wondering if the scars i bare will ever fade. If the life and lightness i hvae lost will ever return.

I can look at my body and see the scars of my past...an appendix operation here, a fall there, a plastic tooth where i fell face first. I can show these scars...laugh about their origin...but who can i show the scar on my heart. This scar that TTC has left, this scar that is my lost baby, this scar that is my heart slowly breaking each month this goes on.

I feel battered, bruised and bleeding...but to the naked eye its invisible. I am just another person...nothing to see here.

Some days i feel there is a sign above my head flashing "She has failed".

Infertility has become part of who I am. Its haunts my every day, how i eat, how I sleep, my dreams...how i think, the activities i do, the plans i make...the plans i can't make.

So I wonder; am i forever broken? Will I heal from this? Will my baby ever erase the scars or are they embedded so deep in my psychi that they will change who I am forever.

Fallen Friends

2009-04-19T21:03:00.002+10:00

sometimes i wonder if i expect too much from my friends...a little compassion and support...does not seem too much from where i sit.

Many a time, i have stuck in there with my friends through tough journeys...i am careful with my words, i am happy to be the one that maintains contact when they have more on their plates then I do.

I know that my interest in "other things" has wained...but this is taking all my energy...and i don't have time to compete over petty things (well, i never have really) or fuss over things that in the grand scheme of things are just not that worthy of fuss.

So i now sit in a place of wondering if it is my job..to support my friends through my hard times. Am i the one who is responsible for making sure they are ok with me not being OK...or can i just focus on myself for a bit longer and trust that my real friends, the ones who have taken the time to understand my journey, will be there at the other end.

How long do i have to pretend to be happy...fake interest in people who ask nothing about me or how I am...how long do i have to dedicate energy to others...who dedicate none to me.

I'm not scared for the first time in a long time....

2009-04-16T12:02:00.003+10:00

and it is a very freeing feeling!

I had this realisation last night that i actually trust this process. I believe in it and i finally trust myself to not stuff this up. I can do this, i am doing well. I have done very thing right and there fore this will work. I have not found it easy every day, in fact the last 3 days (in the lead up to AF) have been really hard...but i made it through...and i made it through in style!

I trust that i will get pregnant, i trust that i don't need IVF, i trust that i am going to get pregnant after i fix my body via this naturopathic program.

So i can relax and just follow my current path, this is doable, i am strong and can do it. On my bad days, i will find the determination to battle through.

28 days down...56 more to go...oh oh...thats 1/3 down...yippee!

To my inferfility Inner Circle

2009-04-13T22:52:00.003+10:00

Please treat me as though I am in crisis. I am. I can and will cry at the drop of a hat. I am sad, angry, scared, excited, hopeful, worried, and nervous.

Please DO NOT tell me that you know how I feel unless you, yourself, have endured infertility. This is more difficult on me than you know

Please treat me with kid gloves, as I am hanging on by a very thin emotional thread

Please see that everything is not business as usual in my life, household and heart.

Please call, write, or send me an e-mail. Please understand if i don't always answer.

Please permit me a clear calendar and excuse my involvement in other activities, as my days are filled with tests, results, endless appointments, phone calls, decisions, physical discomfort, and fatigue.

Please excuse my lack of interest in everything else. Remember what I said about crisis?

Please take my other children for a fun afternoon; they suffer when I am no longer fun.

Please give me permission to do what I need to do, be it laugh, cry, sit around, or be really, really active in something

Remember that my husband is overwhelmed and in need of support as well!

Please think before you speak, if in doubt...just say you are sorry I am hurting...please do not minimise my loss, pain or grief with meaningless platitudes.

And never, ever, question me on why I bother...or ask why I don't just "be happy with what i have". I love my life and my child...would you ever let go of your child or the joy they bring you...if not, why should I.

Please dont ask me to justify why i am upset or sad or criticise me when i try to vent my feelings. Sometimes, I just need a shoulder.

Please let me know that you are supporting me even if the cycle tanks. That is my biggest fear and the hardest thing to talk about.

Please remind me that I am strong enough to endure this, as I am sure to forget along the way.

Please don't tell me to just relax...or suggest different getting pregnant tips...if you've heard it...then so have I...and I have tried it and it has failed. If a simple trick would work..I would not be doing what i am doing.

Please don't ask me if I am pregnant. If and when that occurs, I will sing it from the highest rooftop.

Hormonal as all hell....and

2009-04-13T22:00:00.002+10:00

just got hit with not 1...not 2....but 3 new pregnancy announcements...and non of them are mine.

I am happy for others...but I find it so hard to not be sad at the same time. It is such a double edged sword. It is just such a huge reminder of what i don't have and that it seems everyone else finds it so easy. I mean, people are getting preg with the next one...and i have been trying since before they got pregnant with the last one.

I so want to believe in what we are doing, i want to believe that this will give me what i want. But right now, on AF eve...i am all full of doubt and vulnerability. I want to be told it will all be OK, but i know that there is no guarantee and i am the one who needs to believe.

Give me strength to get through this, give me the endurance to get through the next 8 weeks...please...please give me my baby.

Hope springs eternal....

2009-04-10T14:09:00.003+10:00

and quite frankly it is pissing me off!!

I mean seriously...we used condoms this month to prevent pregnancy as instructed...yet i still i have that lil bit of hope inside that says maybe i am pregnant...seriously...i need to get a grip!

Af is due on monday, i have already had spotting...yet still...i am having lots of those..."maybe it is my month"....

arrrgggg...at me!

3 weeks down...9 to go

2009-04-09T16:39:00.002+10:00

And i have improved in all areas!!! Yippee!!

There is still a while to go...but we are only 1/4 down so that is to be expected. I think he had higher hopes for me lol...so i'll have to work twice as hard and hopefully have huge results next time.

He thinks a lot might still be emotional so i have to keep working on that stuff too...so more relaxing and getting as happy as possible. He was looking at one thing..asked a few questions and then looked at same thing again...and it had gotten worse by 40%....must stop caring what others think apparently...easier said then done for me!

I have lost just over 2 kg in 3 weeks...more good news. This is not all about weight loss but since i have put on 10kg while ttc the last few years...i would love to get rid of it before getting pregnant...so i can put it on again lol He as suggested that i reverse my meal order...so big brekky, medium lunch and small dinner....so i'll try that over the next few weeks.

The only thing i have not been having enough of...is lettuce and cabbage....so i'll be upping those from dinner tonight!

I see him again in 3 weeks...and he said that i have to use protection for at least the next 6 weeks...meaning i will miss one more cycle of ttc...and then i think i'll be letting any idea of contraception go and sending out requests for as much baby dust as possible ;-)

Feeling nervous

2009-04-08T14:25:00.000+10:00

About my naturopath appointment tomorrow...go i hope there has been an improvement....he said he would be able to tell tomorrow if this was going to work for me. I have been sooo good...i mean i have not had 1 thing from the no go list, i have taken every potion, i have drunk all my water!

Michael is very blunt and straight to the point...and i do trust that if there is no improvement he will tell me..and even he said then he would probably recommend IVF. At this point, i am very keen on doing this the natural way.

I know the diet is effecting Mark and I a lot, i know that the lack of sugar and caffienne is making both of us a bit tired atm. I know that Mark is struggling with the food...but seriously...he is being amazing! He is not complaining about missing out on anything...but he is hating the eggs lol!

Arrgghhh....so nervous...i want a really good result tomorrow. I really want him to confirm that he'll be giving mark the super duper sperm tonic in 6 weeks time....and i really want to be pregnant in about 14 weeks time!

Why we chose not to do IVF...for now

2009-04-07T14:10:00.001+10:00

This is a tricky and emotional one...and i guess background is required...

When we started down this path of TTC, we thought there would be no issue...afterall, i had fallen pregnant with Elliott 2 weeks after coming off the pill...so I thought that meant it would be easy again....10 months later the shine had sort of started to fade on the whole ttc thing...especially when most others had fallen preg around me with no issue...hard to explain how that feels.

In my gut (and from extensive googling) i thought the problem was me due to being diagnosed with an auto immune disorder...but the GP was just not listening! So, i started Accupuncture to see if that helped.

So a few months later with still no joy, we got a sperm test, seeing how Mark is not E's bio dad...we thought this would be a good place to start...what came back was pretty good but slight low morphology so we got a specialist referral. I still felt it was me.

The specialist said..."It's you, slightly low morphology is not an issue"...and he recommended IUI. So we went home and thought about that for a while...we talked at length and said...yes to IUI...no way to IVF (lol)...so then IUI began.

This is a bit of a grueling process...and for me meant a lot of needles as my Rhuem put me on Heparin ( a blood thinner to try and counter act my immune disorder) which meant 2 needles a day...plus the needles of hormone injections...plus tablets...and of course the very charming cathetar to get the sperm in to the top of the uterus...thats good fun!

It really takes the romance out of making a baby...between the needle bruises, the mad rushing hormones and the use of a sample pot to deliver the boys to the doc..it really can be a little dehumanising...

so moving swiftly on...3 months went by...3 attempts and 3 fails....i can not explain the ups, downs and pain this caused. My final round was Dec 2008...i got my negative result just before xmas..

we then got pregnant...in January..no IUI but i did use my left over drugs (hehe)...i miscarried a few days after the pregnancy was confirmed....

Then we went back to see the fertility doc (who i didn't like but that is a whole other story) who said no point in IUI anymore..IVF or no new baby. We decided to get a 2nd opinion, who also agreed...IVF was the only way.

So, after declaring openly that IVF was not an option..we were at a doorway...and we had to admit...we had changed our minds...well I had...and convinced Mark...a woman and her new baby will not be parted lol. And i am soo lucky to have a hubby who does back me 100%

We decided to do it, we did the counselling, we did the nurse appointments, we got used to the new specialist...i had it all lined up with my Rhuem...but i was making myself sick and a nervous wreck. I was eating out of control, i was almost parralysed.

So, in looking for stress releif (so i could do IVF) i booked in to have some Hypnotherapy done...something new but it felt right. After talking to her and being hypnotised, i felt so much better. We talked about a great Naturopath that she knew...and i decided to call and see what would happen.

AS soon as i started thinking about not doing IVf and doing it via the naturopath...the sick feelings, sleepless nights and panic attacks went away...i decided there was a definate message form the universe there!

Usually there is a 4-6 week wait to see him....i called and got in the next day (fated to be perhaps). On seeing him i felt instantly it was right (even though he was having a very bad day lol) and after thinking overnight...and talking to Mark...we both decided to do his program. And, if you have read the program...its full on a big undertaking!

We have removed our time limits (i was obsessed with being pregnant before i was 35) and if this does not work by end 2009 then we will go back and do IVF...if we are not pregnant by end of 2010...we will prob leave it alone (and i say prob because i really do not know how i can stop wanting this baby).

There are lots of things that hurt when you are long term ttc....when other fall so easily and say some really stupid hurtful things. I have had people ignore my feelings, say things like "well it could be worse", stand up for the people who have offended me, say "at least you have not had a miscarriage (pre miscarriage)", i've had people get offended because i was upset over my situation, people not understand that i can't gush over others pregnancies and babies, I had a close friend refer to my miscarriage as my period starting. Undoubtedly the most hurtful thing that i have ever face was someone saying to me "do you really think we would even car if you got pregnant seeing how little attention you have paid to our pregnancies"...it took me a while to recover from that one...but i think it really sums up how little compassion some people have on such an emotional issue...and this is not just me, it is for all my girls who i have got to know throughout this journey. I have found that i have grown as a person through this...i wish so much for the blissful ignorance that i used to have...but i am glad because i have made some amazing friends and learnt a deeper level of compassion for my ttc sisters. However, i now feel i have learnt what i can from this...and am really truly ready to have my baby bump, to feel those wiggles inside and hold that baby in my arms.

It has not been a light decision...it is not going to be an easy 12 weeks (and omg mark needs 16 weeks...but we don't have to wait to ttc for him to finish) but i am 3 weeks in...and have no regrets.

Well, its Tuesday

2009-04-07T13:43:00.000+10:00

And the blog continues.

Have just had a really nice coffee with some friends so feeling nice and relaxed...lets summarise what my diet is...for the uninitiated...

Per day i have to have:

4 litres of water

6 fruits

big plate vege's

2 poached eggs

lots of lettuce

Fish 2 times per week (struggle with this one lol)

Can have chicken, beef and lamb as long as cooked through (no red bits lol)

No alcohol, sugar, yeast, white flour/pasta etc, no caffienne, no dairy (i'm allowed to have 2 small serves of Jalna Yogurt each day)

Also, i have a heap of tonics to take...Anti Fungal, Anti bacterial, Super Potion, Blood sugar regulator (all of those mixed together 2 times a day, Stomach tonic (3 times a day), Tissue Salt Tablet (5 times a day), flower essences (4 times a day) and Liquid Multi (2 times a day), 1/4 tsp Clove powder in yogurt (1 lot per day).....that covers it...not for the light hearted or unorganised thats for sure!!

So far, so good really!! I am nearly at the end of 3 weeks and so far i have done every thing and easily!! I swear its due to the Hypnotherapy!! I see the Naturopath on Thursday and we'll see if he thinks I am doing well.

I saw my Chiro today and he said i was remarkably better then i was 3 weeks ago! And my treatment (which is normally torture) was nice and relaxing....and i didn't feel like i needed to go home and have a nana nap.

I guess when i look at all this and it reminds me how much i want a baby and what i am willing to do to get it. It makes me proud some days...and sad others. I want so much for it to be simple and easy like so many others...but then i look back and go wow, if this does work, i will have accomplished something huge...I so want to be proud of myself and joyous when i finally get to feel this baby in my arms.

Welcome to blog land

2009-04-06T22:26:00.004+10:00

well, i have often threatened to start blogging my life...and well...here it is...i know...can you believe your luck.

I am presently subjecting myself to a Naturopathic diet in order to hopefully achieve my dream of becoming a mummy to a 2nd gorgeous child.

I'll be exploring this over the next few days to make it all pretty....so if you happen to find it now..sorry for the boredom lol

My past blogs.....I could not upload...so I have copy and pasted them in here...so many words and memories...to keep it simple...i am going past to most recent!

27th Oct 2008 - IUI Cycle #2

well...here we go again.

I am on day 6 a the moment...back on the Puregon, an increased dose to try and get more eggs...66iU each day this month

I have my first scan on the Thursday, 30th. Will anticipated trigger injections on Saturday 1st Nov and insemination on Monday 3rd November which will be CD13.

I am having needles instead of the horrid cream as after insemination support.

I came off the Heparin injections while AF was here and got hit with a lot of foot and hand pain so am back on them again and won't be coming off next month. They have also set me thyroid going agin so my weight is normalising and i am very happy with that.

I am doing well emotionally, still numb and other then a small cry after last months failure i have let it all fall away from me.

30th October 2008 CLuck Cluck Cluck

i am growing eggs

had my scan today...eggs not as developed as he hoped but i have another scan on Saturday and i am still hoping we can go ahead on monday.

the other problem is that there are lots of buds...so i hope only some of them progress...and that we have 3 good ones on Saturday!

1st November 2008 The scan says....

i have 3 eggs...thank god there is only 3 as i was very scared the cycle would be cancelled. I have been feeling a bit of a wreck since Thursday's scan to be honest.

So, they are not quite as big as hoped for....but that is cause there are 3 i think so we are postponing insem until Tuesday. I have to have my trigger needle at 7.35pm (precisely lol) and then drop off our sample at about 9am on Tuesday and then insem at 11.35am. So my tomorrow night we are hoping they have grown another 2mm...which is realistic.

So i spent this afternoon shopping with the girls and having a well needed break from thinking about it all...

Now i just have to figure out exactly how we are going to sort thing logistically...and well, Mark being a bit useless so i'll just have to tell him rather then discuss lol

3rd November 2008 Tomorrow is the day...

that i will hopefully get pregant!!

Had a gret day shopping with my gf's today...got some lovely new clothes...feeling good about myself and now have some outfit options lol

Tomorrow will be manic...but hopefully worth it.

I did my trigger last night at 7.35...bfore going out to dinner with a gf who is over from New Zealand..it was so good to catch up!

Tomorrow i have to drop sperm off at about 9am, then go over to the Alfred Hospital to collect my heparin..then back to the Freemasins for a coffee ith a freind from another forum who is also on month #2 of IUI...thenget inseminated at 11.35..

then its off for melbourne Cup BBQ...i do feel i should have said no to the BBQ...but at the same time i want life to go on.

It will be busy...but if i need to I can have a lay down at Sophies house...I needed one last time after the IUI...so i'll see how i go.

anyway...fingers crossed...2nd times a charm

18th November 2008 CD1 - IUI Cycle #3 starts today and..

and i cried so hard last night i have lost my voice...i really have not let the emotions out since starting IUI and last night it just all came out. I can not remember the last time i sobbed..i really needed it.

This is our last try...i am not strong enough to carry on after this one.

I am not doing well. I do not know how this journey is going to end...either way...i just do not know what is going to happen.

My meds will stay the same this month as they were happy with me having 3 eggs this time around.

I really have just been putting 1 foot infront of the other today...hoping to get through with happy kids till bedtime (so far so good) so i can collapse and grieve the child that once again has not arrived in my life.

2nd December 2008 Luteal Day 4

ended up having an early insemination this month as i went in for my scan on day 9 and i already had a 16 mm egg...so had to get going or i would have O'd naturally.

had 2 good eggs released...over 100 mil sperm with over 90% motility.

Had my first booster needle today, and accupuncture...

all seeming to be as always so i do not know if it has worked or not...i really hope that it does...beleive it or not...I'll know for sure....on Xmas eve whether it has...this really could be an xmas miracle!

13 December 2008 The waiting....

is making me a crazed obsessive mad woman....AF is late and that should be good. But the tests say negative...arrrggg

this insem me early and make my wait a 4 weeks wait is just down right mean...who invented this infertility crap anyway

i am weeing every 5 minutes for gods sake!!!

15th December 2008 Shit

After a AF being a week late...crazy symptoms and hope through the roof....2 blood tests have confirmed that I am not pregnant.

Merry freaking christmas to me, I hope the tears will have stopped by then.

17th December 2008 Hopeless?

Ok, so I have resurfaced. But only barely. I have decided in all my wisdom...to use up my left over stim drugs (i have enough) and do my own little stim cycle this month. I have O tests so can just take the Puregon until I ovulate...then try the old fashioned way. I also have 2 booster shots left over...so I have all the required druggies!

I am also going to start Bowen therapy through Marks' Chiro guy...what the hell...I've tried everything else!

14th January 2009 OMG OMG OMG

so...cause smoz put the thought in my already insane head...i did another test...line much clearer...even DH thinks so!!!

Wow, who knew wanting to buy pickles in cole could lead to this!!!

so, as scared as i am to say this!!!

I have a BFP...and i am trying to get booked in for a blood test right now!

15th January 2009 I'm back from the doc and....

i'm back...and its still a BFP!!!!!

my beta level only 7...which is low but as blood was taken on day 26 my rheumatologist happy with that (i was with her when the results came through).

If nothing else...this is proof that I CAN GET PREGNANT...and my specialist see's it that way too. She has double checked my liquid multi and said that it has enough folic acid for pregnancy and told me to keep doing exactly what i am doing.

Please please please let this be my turn. I had no idea i could be so excited and so petrified all in one moment. I feel like i could cry, sing, dance all at once.

I have to have more bloods taken on Tuesday morning to hopefully see a nice big number!!

16th January 2009 All my excitement

may have all been premature.

I have started spotting today...trying to stay positive....i really am as i bled and lost clots for the first 12 weeks with Elliott...

But i think this may have been a practice run...i'll let you guys know how it goes but it may be over before its begun.

2 days pregnant better then none at all...but i would like another 8 months of it please!

January 19th 2009

Its officially all over. I am too grief stricken for words. This may be the end

20th January 2009

i feel better then i should i think. Maybe because it was so early when i lost my angel...maybe because my path has been so hard this last 18 months...maybe because i have not got the enormity of it yet.

I had said for a while...i could handle it if i got preg and lost the baby...just knowing i could actually do it after so long with nothing would be a blessing.

However, seeing those 2 beautiful lines and having a blood test prove i was pregnant really sent shivers of excitment. The plans for the pregnancy and the love really starts instantatneously. The depth of sorrow i felt last night felt overwhelming. I could not do my job as Elliott's mother, thank god Mark was here when i got home...i really don't know how i managed to drive home.

Once again, this journey has changed who I am.

I am glad i managed not to break down in front of E, kids are so innocent. He saw i was sad, but not the floods of tears that came later.

But then, once the tears had washed away the grief...i started to feel better. I have done it, i got pregnant. What i am doing is working, for the first time. I will redouble my efforts now, if conception can happen i just have to work on my lining being receptive...so i will add some things to my diet to make it so.

Today i am tired (hot night plus my stupid cat got stuck on the roof and meowed until mark when and rescued it about 4 am) but ready. I am going to call and see if Neal can fit me in again today (I had mark call last night and cancel it as i felt i would not be able to leave the house today).

My angel wanted to show me i could do this...show me i am nearly there..i will work so that they come back to my womb soon